Diamond Eyes Set to Kill

I know, I know, with all the thrilling Jets shootouts going on this year, it’s hard to believe that the fourth consecutive completely pointless baseball season hasn’t ended yet. But this Saturday, Tim “Fuck Yeah” Lincecum will square off against Roy “Too Mormon to Photobomb” Halladay in Game One of the National League Championship Series. (Giants vs. Phillies, respectively, for those of you who are completely clueless/soccer fans.) The winner will probably struggle to avoid being the Yankees’ 28th World Series victim, since God hates everybody but assholes.

Normally I would rather rearrange my dingleberry collection than witness this sadly-now-annual nightmare, but now that there’s an opportunity to (mildly) humiliate dB’s esteemed editor-in-chief (one of the few non-poseur Phillies fans I suffer on a daily basis, I must concede), I may have to tune in. You see, Matt Harvey of the brilliant Exhumed not only has way too much faith in the Giants’ anemic-at-best offense, but decided to put said motley collection to the friendly-wager test against Albert Mudrian’s as-yet-undetected HGH huffers. Here’s the bet: The fan of the losing team must not only write an essay for the Deciblog on why the winners ruled their stupid faces, but has to pose for a humiliating picture in the opposition’s gear.

Good start, but kinda tame overall, if you ask me. I mean, no taint tattoos or dry-humping Fatheads or anything? Any suggestions?


From the desk of Matt “Hellfiend” Harvey

An open letter to Albert Mudrian:

Hey fucker,

The Giants are getting ready to take on 2009 NL Champion Phillies this weekend, and I am psyched! This match-up is gonna be awesome, basically all of the best pitchers in the National League will be united in a struggle to K their way to the World Series. So far this year, the teams have split their 6 games evenly (both 3 game series were split 2-1 in favor of the home team), with the Giants handing Halladay his first loss of the season, way back in April! The Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954 when they were still in New York (we lost the series 1962, 1989, and 2002), so to say that Giants fans are hungry would be like saying Dave Grave is a “sort of awesome” drummer! Our pitching staff has been amazing down the stretch, with Cain, Bumgarner, Wilson and of course Lincecum kicking serious ass! We’ve got right handers, left handers, a killer bullpen and Brian Wilson’s kick-ass beard and pseudo mullet-mohawk. Yeah, we haven’t scored a lot of runs, but we haven’t had to. However, we have a great balance in the line-up, where we’ve been getting a lot of help from Pat Burrell (remember him, Philly fans?), Aubrey Huff, Buster (NL Rookie of the year? Hell yes!) Posey, and even Uribe and my vote for
“most underestimated,” Cody Ross.

What would make the impending Giants victory in the NLCS all the sweeter? How about this: When the Giants win, my favorite Phillies enthusiast (yes, Mudrian – you) writes me a concession essay for the Deciblog extolling the manifold virtues of the SF Giants, and has to grow a Brian Wilson beard (and dye it black) and post a picture of said beard on said Deciblog! I am so sure that we shall triumph (of death) over Philadelphia, I am willing to write a concession essay of my own praising the Phillies (ugh…) if they win, and to demonstrate my magnanimous sportsmanship, I will stage-dive wearing a Philly Phanatic costume (supplied by Decibel , of course) at some point during Maryland Deathfest 2011.

So Mudrian, consider the gauntlet thrown down!
– Matt Harvey
(Exhumed, Dekapitator, etc.)

PS – apologies to Will Carroll and Col Jones, two of my favorite drummers that are probably far better qualified to be writing this than I, but not as foolish in their willingness to risk humiliation