Took ecstasy. Groped Katy Perry. Not a bad Saturday night.
The Script Will Write Itself
Seemingly every year the NFL creates an all-roads-lead-to-Rome story line. The league’s broadcasters will focus in on two different teams, obviously an AFC team and an NFC team, and describe them as on a collision course all season season long. It never works. Usually one of the teams makes it to the end, but ultimately a different team crashes the party. A better game CAN result from a party crasher. For example, Super Bowl XLVII, where the HarBros coached against each other. Last year came close. The NFL REALLY wanted to see a Denver/Seattle rematch. Instead they got New England/Seattle.
This year, we are already getting it shoved down our throat, and every other orifice, the match-up the NFL wants to see in the Super Bowl: Brady vs. Rodgers.
Both are absolutely on fire.
The Seahawks are actually tied to this as well. Have you noticed the NFL is starting to collectively look down on Seattle? They’re starting to peg them as an overconfident, dumb team, led by a coach who consistently overthinks the game. I noticed this most notably this past weekend while watching the Seahawks handle business against my Bears. It was a 3rd and 1 just past midfield and for whatever reason they called a play where they spun Marshawn Lynch out in the flat for a short pass, which he barely caught, for a three-yard gain. The announcers harped on them for the play-call. Why are they making this so difficult on themselves game in and game out? Just run the ball up the middle and pick up your one yard. The Bears were in that game until the beginning of the fourth quarter when Seattle finally pulled away. Seattle needs to learn to step on the gas more and stop overthinking this shit.
ESPN held an online pool this week: Which QB in one game would you rather have? Brady or Rodgers? The results were 51% Brady and 49% Rodgers. I’d like to see a Brady/Rodgers Super Bowl this year, with both sharing co-MVP honors. But I’d also like to see a reboot of Head of the Class. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, even though I am currently writing the pilot episode for said reboot, withthe teacher played by none other than Alan Cumming.
And no, I’m not refereeing to a sexual position you use on a senior citizen.
There was a controversy this week involving the Cam Newton and senior (no pun intended) NFL official Ed Hochuli. During the second half of Carolina’s 27-22 win over the New Orleans Saints, Newton received what appeared to be a late hit out of bounds by New Orleans lineman Tyeler Davison. When Cam complained about Hochuli’s no-call, he apparently replied, “Cam, you’re not old enough to get that call.” Newton was not happy with the no-call, and complained about it in the postgame press conference. Obviously, the crux of his dispute is based around the idea that veteran QBs get calls over younger QBs. This is obviously common knowledge. It’s no coincidence that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning get more roughing the QB and late hit penalties called in their favor than any other QBs in the league. However, how much of this is based on the fact said QBs are traditional pocket passers, and the new crop tend to be more mobile and thus get less calls? Whether or not Hochuli said the comment is up for debate (he denies it). I guess if he actually made the comment, he’ll be subject to some type of discipline? They are actually investigating whether or not the comment was ever made. I’m investigating whether or not I can get the Max Cavalera white version of this of this jacket before the wedding I have to go to this weekend.
Just rub some Vicks on it!
Speaking of upstanding citizen QBs, the Stillers have been forced to trade in Ben Roethlisberger for Michael Vick this week, on account of Big Ben’s brutal knee injury this past week against St. Louis. All right, no more Vick jokes from here on out. People make mistakes. People change. Let’s move on. Play-wise, I’ve always seen a massive connection between Roth and Vick. They are mobile, escape-friendly QB’s with big arms. There is not a backup QB in the league that can fill Ben’s shoes like Vick can. I really think Vick is going to be able to tread water for four weeks without Ben and get a couple wins. I’m very much looking forward to the Thursday Night clash between the gasping-for-air Baltimore Ravens and the Vick-led Stillers. That’s gonna be a dogfight. All right, I promise that’s the last one.
The E in Team
Set your DVRs (if you can afford them). This week, E: 60 will be airing a special episode on the life of J.J. Watt. This for sure looks worth watching. I love E:60. It’s the perfect show if you looking for a trailer containing an ominous, Tori Amos-like rendition of a pop song from yesteryear.
Of course, the video game market really does the ominous, Tori Amos-like rendition of a pop song from yesteryear the best justice.
The major motion picture market isn’t any slouch either. But you usually have to wait about 30 seconds in to the trailer to hear it.
This excludes the horror genre, obviously, which usually utilizes the slow nursery rhyme recited by children.
No. Not Mike Seaver’s best friend.
I wanted to take some time to address Cleveland Browns fans really quick. The Browns lost at home this week to the Raiders, behind Josh McCown, with Johnny Manziel on the bench. The Browns fans began barking for Manziel mid-game. But why, Browns fans? McCown threw for 341 yards and two touchdowns on Sunday. Oh, it’s cuz you lost to the Raiders? Well, they don’t suck this year. I called this at the beginning of the season. I think the Raiders are a playoff team this year. Manziel is instant gratification. But does he have lasting power? Don’t be the guy who wants to marry the pornstar, Brown’s fans.
The Browns travel to San Diego and play a really pissed-off Phillip Rivers-led Chargers team at home this weekend. The Browns turn to Manziel either this week mid-game, or next week, and we’ll get our answer about this kid sooner than later. Till then, we’re stuck with our dicks in our hands.
Are You There, Danny? It’s Me, God.
So, Tom Brady completes his 400th touchdown to you this past Sunday, and you hand the ball to a rich kid in the front row? Well done.
Son of a Pun
ITEM: Andrew Luck may be injured and has been reported as not taking first-team snaps in practice this week. Vet QB Matt Hasselbeck may be at the helm in what I consider to be a must-win for the Colts at home this weekend against Jacksonville.
Ok, now for the more important issue.
This is something that’s been under my skin since this dude entered the league: The press having a fucking field day with Andrew Luck puns. I mean, I use them because I’m a hack sportswriter that works for a metal magazine. But come on! These are classically-trained journalists who have to crowbar Andrew Luck name puns in to every article they write about him. I opened my local newspaper this week and saw this:
So when he has a bad game the article’s entitled, “Bad Luck,” right? How about an article about Andrew Luck’s wife entitled “Lady Luck.” Or Andrew Luck at the Indianapolis St. Patrick’s dDy parade, “Luck of the Irish.” Or if he ever gets pulled from a game: “P-LUCKED.” Puns are like drugs: use in moderation and you’ll eventually start overusing them, until they kill you.
Also, the Japanese press after an Andrew Luck loss…
Have you guys seen Sportscenter @ Night?
The prime time hour of the show is hosted by Scott Van Pelt and geared towards the late night TV crowd of America that would rather hear about sports than Anna Kendrick’s annoying little life. This is a weird show. They occasionally swear on it, talk about sports gambling, and tell darker jokes than the daytime Sportscenter. Come on, does Van Pelt actually think he’s going to put a dent in late-night TV as a host with this show? I mean, he doesn’t even have the ability to laugh uncontrollably when he does sketch comedy.
And finally this week, Julian Edelman — also known as Slotty Pippen — is selling these shirts.
All proceeds go to cloth the homeless, hopefully not with this horrendous looking shirt.
Pick of the Week
Houston +3 over Hotlanta