Review This Band Photo: Eskimo Callboy

I’ve never heard this band’s music. I don’t know when their record is coming out and I was able to even avoid their name. All I know about these fellas is that they chose to take this picture. This, out of everything they could have done, is what they decided on. 

So let me put on my thinking cap and try to figure out what integral role each of these members fill. 

1. I’ll start with what I think is obvious — the little guy in front with a teased swoop of hair, possible eye makeup and I think maybe a boob necklace: he’s one of two singers. I’m not sure he can handle the Herculean task alone, so my guess is he trades duties with someone else, but he’s clearly the heartthrob. He’s who sings the choruses and, after the show, gets first choice of the audience members that aren’t immediately being picked up by their moms.

2. To the right I’m guessing is Singer #2, but since he is holding a bottle of champagne, has a dollar sign necklace and is possibly licking a grill, he may be the in-house rapper. I’m not sure if he’s wearing a cervical collar or has an extensive tattoo or maybe guys like him wear fucking turtlenecks now, who knows. But he exudes far too much misplaced confidence to not demand his own spotlight.  

3. I’m gonna have to guess Panda over there is the drummer. It makes sense, right? While the rest of the band gets to gyrate their belt buckles in front of the mesmerized, arguably legal crowd, he’s stuck behind his kit, holding it down and trying to remember if the next part is a dance beat or a breakdown or grinding or the quiet emo bridge or that other breakdown or the dubstep section where he doesn’t actually play. It’s a thankless job and he doesn’t even get to show off his own special dollar sign necklace. The only option left is to slap on some eye black, rob an infant and hope for the best. 

4. The dudes on either end are the guitarists who balance each other out. The Mick Mars-looking chap on the left — whose doughy, chin-bearded visage requires a defensive and feigned air of detachment — is a perfect complement to the take-charge, no-nonsense, I’ll-smoke-in-photos-until-I-get-sponsored-by-some-vape-company kind of badass we see to the right. 

5. All we have left is the guy second from the right, who I have to assume is the bass player. I’m pretty sure these guys were hastily Photoshopped onto this stock image, meaning the shots were possibly taken at different times. And this guy, the poor dude, he just didn’t know what to do. Maybe, like many bass players, he wasn’t really included in the planning, and wasn’t cued in on how to sync with everyone else. Instead it’s just his regular clothes and a gesture most of us have used before. He’s looking out at you and saying, “Hey now, I get it. Sure, maybe my bandmates like to dress a little flashy. They thought posing with some silly props would get your attention. But strip all that away; try and look behind those costumes; see that when the facade disappears we are actually still just six giant dipshits in a terrible band.”