Don’t say that we never tried to give you anything. We’re not saying that we are definitely going to give each and everyone of you reading this something. But if you play your cards right [see footnote 1] you may at least have a chance for us [see footnote 2] to give you something.
Mighty big of us, huh? Well, look, is there anything even slightly more promising in your life than the chance to score an autographed Baroness Yellow & Green CD [see footnote 3]? We didn’t think so. And what’s it gonna take to peck out an email and send it off? Ten, fifteen seconds? Bam! You’re in there.
This is what the cover of Yellow & Green looks like. Imagine somewhere on this (hopefully not across the nips, but no promises, dudes and dudettes) the scribbled names of the members of Baroness. They might have even written something witty. We don’t know. We’re flying blind here. Can you tell [see footnote 4]?
To wrap this up, we will mention that there are two of these beautiful and musically entertaining autographed CDs to be won. All you have to do is send your details to this email address and put something relevant in the subject line. Like “Baroness Totally Rules and I Want to Win.” Two winners will be drawn at random and contacted via the usual channels. If you don’t hear anything, this means your god has failed you, and we would suggest that you perhaps choose a new god. Maybe go with the one that the people who did win prayed to, since that god would seem to be kinder and more benevolent than your cheap, inattentive deity who clearly doesn’t love you that much [see footnote 5].
1. By “play your cards right” we mean send an email to the address we have supplied and then pray like crazy to whatever god it is you pray to.
2. By “us” we mean Baroness’s record label, Relapse, because, truth be told, we’re not in the business of giving free stuff out left and right. We’ll give someone else’s stuff away all day, though. Seriously.
3. This is snarky a rhetorical question. If you actually answered “no,” then we apologize for highlighting the fact that things aren’t going so well for you right now. We’re sure you’ll turn the ship around soon. Hang in there.
4. Again, a rhetorical question. The answer is obvious to anyone who knows how to read. We are totally seat-of-the-pantsing this.
5. Or maybe your god was just busy helping starving children in Africa at the time and couldn’t really be bothered with your, all things considered, self-serving prayer.