Now that sales of their actual music have gone in the crapper, bands are continuing to find new and bizarre ways to help fans squander their hard-earned cash. KISS were onto this like three decades ago, but it’s taken awhile for some of their contemporaries (and even newer bands) to cotton on to the fact that people are all too willing to spend money on dumb stuff just because it has their favorite band’s name attached to it.
Those masters of the Grand Illusion, Styx, are saying “domo arigato” to their followers (and laughing all the way to the bank) as they milk them dry with their signature jewelry line. Oh Mama, indeed.
But what we’re most baffled by is the Styx Special Brew coffee blend. Is it supposed to taste like the river Styx, or are you just supposed to imagine that you’re sitting down with the members of Styx for a nice cuppa joe as you sip it? Were the beans hand-selected by Tommy Shaw, or did Chuck Panozzo sample hundreds of cups to find just the right blend to combination to really showcase that Styx coffee-drinking experience?
Unfortunately, the label provided no answers, only more questions:
“Create your own fantasy with this elusive blend, specially crafted to be rich, bold and mysteriously complex. A unique energy that’ll keep your buds sufficiently confused, but coming back… no… begging for more.”
These classic/prog rock champs aren’t the only ones trying to market their own special blend. MegaDave, Charlie Benante, Rob Zombie, Pelican and even our own personal hero, Cheap Trick drummer Bun E. Carlos, have all attached their names to their own special coffee. So, we’re going to see if you can figure out by their description, which belongs to which band (or artist).
A: From the tall peaks of the Andes to the tropical forests of the Amazon Basin, Peruvian coffees are as distinct as their birthplace. Featuring 100% Certified Organic, Fair Trade Certified™ beans, this incredible single-origin coffee supports the battle against social and environmental challenges. Medium-bodied with a tangy fruit finish, our lively Peru has been hand-crafted to realize its complete flavor potential.
B: “This Peruvian coffee was so pleasing to taste and had the right boost I needed in the morning for me to prepare for another day of shredding!”
C: “I’ve been all around the world, tried many different blends and I have come up with some combinations that Kick Ass. If you are a coffee drinker, I think you’re going to Love it. This is the Start of something really Delicious.”
D: This coffee Blend is INTENSE in every category made up of Columbian, Guatemalan and Sumatran coffees providing a full body in a sharp envelope of smoky flavored Italian Style Roast. This is a coffee lovers coffee. Each is packaged in air tight bags with a label like the one pictured to the left. The coffee is even registered and certified Kosher.
E: The richest, most complex flavors take patience and skill to craft and are over far too quickly. In that spirit we are proud to present this blend of coffee beans, who have known artisan care from their moment of inception at the farms at which they were grown to the roastery where their delicate nuances were honed to perfection. Enjoy the moment while it lasts.
This is not an official contest, so no need to send us your answers, because you’re not winning anything. Well, actually, if you’ve made it this far, we’ll treat you to this video. Talk about winning.