Metal Fit for Extinction
Let’s not kid ourselves or spend too much time building up to what we’re discussing here. Hevisaurus (read that name out loud) is a Finnish power metal band for children with members dressed like dinosaurs.

As they stare out into the elementary-aged audience with their cold, dead, prehistoric eyes, my once cherished vision of Chuck E. Cheese’s animatronic band singing “Love Potion No. 9” has lost some luster. I thought I was immune to this sort of insanity after my first GWAR tape but honey, you ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen a T-Rex croon a power ballad on top of a cloud.

This very well may be where the sidewalk ends when it comes to metal. Not to say that the genre itself has hit a creative roadblock, but rather that any sort of live gimmick or oddball recombination after this seems contrived and bland. Lordi may as well be Pavement standing next to lead guitar-osaur Riffi Raffi.

I don’t want to overstate this, but if anything I’m underselling it. In the states we’re stoked when our kids get down with Caspar Babypants and in Finland 3-year-olds are growing their hair long and wearing gauntlets cause their favorite drummer is an apatosaurus.

So now will we see the debut of a diaper-clad grindcore band? Is Death Metal aimed squarely at octogenarians on the horizon? I need your theories.