You might have heard this but F.Y.I. Biohazard are hosting an open audition in the search for a replacement for vocalist/bassist Evan Seinfeld. This is great news. Seriously, folks, if you’ve ever apportioned serious mirror time to bicep curls while reeling off how many blocks there are to get to the subway, you should be getting yourself in front of a camera tout d’suite. Now, for what it’s worth, the Deciblog thinks this could be an inspired no-stone-left-unturned trawl for talent from Biohazard’s, but suspects that the smart money’s on this being an almighty case of Billy Graziadei sending a Hail Mary out into the ether.
At this moment in time, we’re not sure of the hours or the pay, but what we can say is that they after-tour/extra-curricular career opportunities are interesting to say the least. Like, Evan Seinfeld was a jobbing actor “gritty, prison drama” Oz, and you’ve all heard about his career in the movies, right. Right?
Let’s take a look at big Evan’s best moments…
We’re in no way sponsoring the auditions but would like to make clear that we welcome ALL video submissions, lucky entrants will be graded and forwarded to the band with our recommendations [not really].
The official message is this: ““ATTENTION SINGERS!!! You think you got what it takes to be one of the voices for Biohazard? Send us your music, videos, links, etc to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll check you out. Experience is a must, as is the ability to commit 100% to the life of a full-time touring musician as the band is booked solid for 2012 and 2013. – Biohazard”
We’ve already perused the field and from the public’s response, we’re putting our full weight behind these young bucks.
This dude answers to the YouTube handle of Krazy-K, which although this makes him sound like a designer drug, it is pretty easy to remember.
In it to win it, Mike “Edge” Childers has a similarly excitable stage presence to Bobby Hambel, and has made not one but two videos. At least give him an interview, guys.
After putting some of our top analysts to work, we whittled down the field to the Top Five celebrity contenders. Yeah, we were as surprised as you, but hey, the numbers don’t lie and the bookies are rarely wrong.
5. Will Smith
Profile: The Deciblog’s naturally disposed to offering out mad props for its Philadelphian kin, and surely in all those years spent shacked up with Wicked Wisdom’s Jada Pinkett Smith, the Fresh Prince has bogarted some of her moves—metal tropes that we hear were eagerly cheered at barren cultural wastelands such as Ozzfest and tours with the mighty [not really] Sevendust and Britney Spears. He has plenty of industry experience, too, surely adding a bit of venom whenever the Brooklyn crew are chugging out “Business”.
For: Hey, you’d pay to see Biohazard just for Will Smith rapping out “Tales from the Hardside”, right?
Against: Uncle Phil would throw a shit-fit, and besides, if pushed, we’d rather see a heavily tattooed Carlton.
X-factor: This is the guy who whooped E.T.’s ass ferrchrist’sakes
Deciblog odds: 25/1
4. Mel Gibson
Profile: OK, so he’s a rank outsider from the get-go but we are big fans of career redemption here, and it’s always cool to bat for the underdog, no matter how loathsome—plus: should they fail, well fuck, that’s just hilarious. And seeing some wags might say that the sole merit of Biohazard’s career going forward is comic schadenfreude, who better than having some guy who was last seen talking through a fucking beaver hand puppet trying to teach the kids urban discipline.
For: His career’s due the dead cat bounce.
Against: Ahem, well his record’s not exactly spotless, what with allegations of homophobia and anti-Semitism, and not forgetting that his form book is more D.U.I. than D.F.L.
X: Factor: An old-timer with plenty of ‘tude.
Deciblog odds: 22/1
3. Jamey Jasta
Profile: Jasta! Jasta!? Really, are we that obvious? Well, y’know, he might lack the forbidden fruit mystique of some his Top Five competitors but this hyper-yappy personal trainer for Champion-vested, protein-possessed meatheads puts him at the top of the pile in terms of form. Besides, this plucky pip-squeak has already put is throat to a Biohazard track. Surely a shoo-in… A done deal.
For: That Hatebreed fan you cross the road to avoid is a Biohazard superfan waiting to happen.
Against: He might be the only kid for whom playing the bass might be a challenge.
X-Factor: He’s already rocking a Seinfeld-style bandana.
Deciblog odds: 15/1
2. Vic Mackey
Profile: File under getting shit down, Vic Mackey is the sort of escort you’d want when circumnavigating the hardside; the dude has a head like an oversized ostrich egg with a face that’s rarely, if at all, focused in an expression of anything other than maximum rage. This is a testosterone-driven game, folks, and all that time spent on the strike team in L.A. cop show the Shield (incidentally, that show looks like your FFW button is jammed) should make him road tough. You don’t want Pee-wee Herman up there, y’know.
For: Physical presence, no B.S.
Against: His while corrupt cop shtick ain’t gonna fly with Biohazard’s community after-school work and socially conscious ethos [See Gibson, Mel].
X-Factor: Just look at his YouTube show reel and tell us that you’d turn him away.
Deciblog odds: 10/1
1. Jerry Seinfeld
Profile: He was right there under our noses, like, the whole time. The beancounters, the press officers and label bods at Nuclear Blast would love it: it’s a change with a minimum of administration. Besides, he’s already in the Neighborhood. The dude has a following, he’s under-employed—presumably idling out his days working through all that breakfast cereal and ordering fresh tennis shoes from Footlocker while congratulating himself on finally changing his lock to stop Kramer’s unannounced visits.
For: Despite what you heard elsewhere, that wicked Infectious Grooves bassline on the Seinfeld theme was all Jerry.
Against: Sure, he probably hasn’t ever said the words “fuck” or “motherfucker” but if anyone can give us one good reason why they WOULD NOT WANT Jerry Seinfeld to front Biohazard please speak up now.
X-Factor: George Costanza and Newman on the gang vox.
Deciblog odds: 7/1
Here’s hoping it’s all sorting out soon. Good luck, everyone!
Next Up: We test cures both pharmaceutical and homeopathic to bring Bobby Hambel out of his permanent spin cycle.