We’re just a few weeks away from the return of the NFL, thank god. So, as usual, we contacted some of our favorite extreme musicians to pump up the underachieving fuck-ups they call their favorite teams. This Friday, Gates of Slumber bassist Jason McCash refuses to sleep on the finally in-decline (fingers crossed) Colts.
So, here we are, on the verge of a new season, with so many storylines twisting around the sport talk radio stations in our city. Can the Colts break the record of consecutive playoffs berths? Does Peyton Manning open the season and keep his streak alive for consecutive starts? Can the Colts reach a Super Bowl that they will be the host of? And the biggest one: if Peyton goes down, who is going to back him up? Because what we got is straight-up awful and just downright embarrassing.
This is all great drive time entertainment for sure, but what Colts fans need to really worry about this preseason is the wretched play of our defense. Two games in the preseason and I think there were only maybe, what, five solid tackles? The Colts have two older ends on the D-line and a great success story at MLB, but outside of that, there is nothing but a backfield of young guys that are interchangeable and the meat and potatoes of a D-line that, well, the meat and potatoes aren’t even on the menu this season. How about free agency, you ask? Well, the Colts treated this free agency period like they were shopping at Big Lots, buying yesterday’s fads that didn’t make the cut for today’s needs. Signing a bunch of first rounders of yesteryear that were basically busts for their drafted teams.
Speaking of the draft, though, a solid note for this year came through this year with the Colts spending our fist two picks on LT Anthony Castonzo and OG Ben Ijalana, which Bill Pollian (Colts GM) hasn’t ever done. Which is good, since our line has produced one of the worst rushing games consistently over the last couple of years. Also with Manning’s neck surgery this offseason, he needs to be protected more now than ever, hence the resigning of Joseph Addai (who’s best attribute to the team is his pass blocking).
All in all, I do think that when football really starts in a couple of weeks, the Colts will be the Colts that we all know and will be on their way to a 12-4 season, yet again, and will make it to the second round of the playoffs, only to be beaten by the Chargers with a game-winning interception by former Colt and now-starting safety Bob Sanders to propel the Chargers to the AFC championship game against the Jets, and who will be crushed by Gang Green.
Jets vs. Cardinals Super Bowl, with Kevin Kolb being MVP and Rex Ryan tripping over some chicken wing bones at the end of the game that he dropped during Lady Gaga’s halftime show while ogling her alien feet.