Admittedly, I’ve never been big on checking out heavy metal’s nerve center for news, Blabbermouth. Once in a while, I’ll take a peek at the site and see what’s going on, who’s in the studio, who’s on tour and even indulge in a little bit of gossip, but I personally don’t have the time or feel drawn enough to be keep abreast of every single little slice of information, however humongous or miniscule, the world of metal creates on a minute-to-minute basis.
While B-mouth does a good job of culling assorted news and crap from all corners of the heavy music world, at the same time, for every bit of useful or compelling information provided (like the photo report earlier this week of Behemoth’s first rehearsal since Nergal was diagnosed with leukemia), most of what they’re do is direct you to a third party site featuring someone else’s video or audio interview or live footage. In doing so, they sometimes come up with the most hilarious of headlines and this has quickly become my favorite part of the site. Far too regularly, Blabbermouth’s headlines are completely reaching for newsworthy-ness and, thusly, end up sounding ridiculous enough – whether jerks like me take them out of context or not – that they rightfully end up on the carving block. To that end, we present this week’s 10 most eye-catching Blabbermouth headlines.
10. JUDAS PRIEST REQUESTING “UNLIMITED QUANTITIES OF CHOCOLATE” AT SOFIA ROCKS FESTIVAL
In pouring over the various riders, it has also come to light that Whitesnake’s David Coverdale has instituted an absolute backstage ban of onions and broccoli. I can die a completely fulfilled and satisfied man with the knowledge that Priest suck cocoa residue from between their molars while onstage and Coverdale isn’t farting on the high notes.
9. EPICA: NEW VIDEO INTERVIEW AVAILABLE WITH YVES HUTS
That an Epica video interview with their bassist isn’t what drew our attention. That anyone gives a flying fuck about a video interview – or video anything – with anyone in Epica besides frontwoman Simone Simons is the real news here.
8. AUGUST BURNS RED: “DON’T DOWNLOAD OUR ALBUM ILLEGALLY”
Included with this particular news post is video footage of the band going to a Hot Topic at a mall somewhere in Texas and buying copies of their own album. I don’t have anything else to add.
7. ROB ZOMBIE: BASSIST PIGGY D’s SKULL FACE MASK STOLEN IN SPAIN
Even ol’ P.D. himself was shocked by the fact this was considered news by anyone and made a point of saying so with a Facebook post that read: “If a stupid missing mask makes Blabbermouth, it’s a slow news day. Rock ‘n’ Roll needs some excitement. QUICK, someone do something interesting.”
6. IN FLAMES FRONTMAN DOESN’T GET BOTHERED BY CRITICISM OF BAND’S NEW MUSIC
Good to know. Let’s see how long it takes before the “In Flames Frontman Starting To Be Bothered By Criticism Of Band’s New Music” and “In Flames Frontman Goes Postal After Too Much Criticism Of Band’s New Music” headlines turn up.
5. TONY IOMMI: “I TALK TO OZZY OSBOURNE ABOUT THREE TIMES A WEEK.”
In other news, Iommi also calls his parents on the phone during the holidays, talks to his wife in bed and regularly texts Geezer Butler to organize rehearsals.
4. SLIPKNOT: VIDEO FOOTAGE OF SID WILSON’S CROWD DIVE FROM SWITZERLAND SONISPHERE
We were hoping for headlines pertaining to jerky fan-shot footage of slutty Swiss chicks flashing their boobs, drunk Germans passed out in their own puke and piss and other festival clichés, but this was all they had available.
3. BRET MICHAELS SAYS HIS LATE GRANDMOTHER APPEARED IN FRONT OF HIM
Apparently, she was carrying a bag of his pre-Rock of Love credibility. It may have been a small bag to begin with, but she’s still proud of him, even in the afterlife.
2. SPIRAL ARCHITECT DRUMMER SAYS ALBUM IS STILL YEARS AWAY FROM RELEASE
Next year’s headline: “Spiral Architect drummer says album is still years away from release.”
1. MICHAEL ANTHONY “CURIOUS” ABOUT NEW VAN HALEN ALBUM, “PROUD” OF CHICKENFOOT
Number one on our list with a bullet.