Extremely Extreme New Year’s Resolutions 2011

We wanted to know what some bands plan to improve upon in the coming year so we could mock their false sense of self-control and ambition. But that’s only because we want to feel better about our donut addiction and incessant farting. We don’t plan on doing anything in 2011 except kicking more ass. It’s only a matter of time before we win one of those goddamn elephants. So, without further ado, here are some resolutions that may or may not be resolved.
Mike IX Williams, EyeHateGod/Arson Anthem/The Guilt Of…/Outlaw Order
1. Stay Numb and Disconnected
2. Kick the Powdered Stinging Nettles Habit
3. Study Abstract Mathematics in Welsh
4. Pitch a Perfect Game
5. Worship a Lower Power
6. Learn to Love the Bomb
7. Read the Back of a Lead-Based Paint Remover Can
8. Remain Detached and Absorb Contradiction
9. Become a Multi-Millionaire Suicidal Astronaut
10. Command Control of a Black Hole Through Extreme Militaristic Firepower

Leon del Muerte, Murder Construct/Exhumed
Stop giving strangers dutch ovens.

Gazelle Amber Valentine, Jucifer
I’m like the atheist of new year’s resolutions, ’cause I’ve never been able to believe in some arbitrary dead of winter “new beginning.” Please. It’s hibernation season. Who wants to reform themselves when it takes all available energy and resources just to fuckin’ survive?! (If it wasn’t for being on tour every January, I’d resolve to spend the whole damn month in bed.) And everybody knows most resolutions end up broken before the ground has even thawed. So for 2011, I again resolve to not resolve. What this means is that I’ll probably be just as bad as ever, even when striving (if only in my inner monologue) to improve. At least I’m not cynical.

Continues after the jump…

Larry Herweg, Pelican/San Angelus/AGES
1.Release Pelican’s follow up to What We All Come to Need
2.Release the debut record for AGES
3.Release the debut record for San Angelus
4.Get back on the road
5.Groom more frequently
6.Teach my male cat, Turkey, how to fight
7.Over feed my female cat, Peeps, to make her awesomely obese
8.Make Failure reunite for a reunion tour
9.Learn how to surf
10.Get a sweet hound

Laurent Lebec, Pelican/beer connoisseur
1) Tell AC/DC I miss Bon Scott.
2) Raise a kid that understands A Certain Ratio and makes it to 1 year old without “dear diary” moments.
3) Take bets on “Lost” vs. “The Wire.”
4) Come up with a Pelican riff that has nothing to do with blues scales.
5) Taste a beer called Delerium Satanus.
6) Tell everyone that matters: I love each and everyone of you.
7) Be granted the magic gift: all my favorite KBD 45s for free.

RJ Ober, Magrudergrind
Since I’m more or less satisfied with being an antisocial degenerate, my New Year’s resolutions are selfish and do not involve self-improvement of any kind. They are…
1. Build a touring bike so I can ride from DC to Pittsburgh at the end of the summer.
2. Write and record the next Magrudergrind LP
3. Make my way through the growing stack of books on my bedside table that include:
Bury Me Standing by Isabel Fonseca
Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol
Pedaling Revolution by Jeff Mapes
Underworld by Don DeLillo
Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller

Topan Das, Fuck The Facts
Remember when bands used to release tapes not as a novelty, but because that was the only option for a band looking to release a demo? Well I do and I have 3 milk crates overflowing with tapes to prove it. My 2011 New Years resolution is to get those tapes out of my closest and onto my iPod. I’ve already started and I’ve been rediscovering tons of old local demos that still fucking rule as well early demo tapes from bands like Cryptopsy, Mortal Decay, and Dying Fetus, just to name a few, that I picked up at some small show 12+ years ago. 2011 tours will be filled with many retro iPod shuffles if I can manage to stick to it and get this done in time.

This Or The Apocalypse
Grant would like to spend some more time with the game Super Meatboy on the 360 and beat all of the dark worlds.
Jack would like to learn a new trade.
Rodney would like to eat healthier, learn some more Bob Seger songs, and keep working on his already glorious mustache.
Matt simply wants to crush more asses.
As for me [Rick], I’m going to say more words with the letter ‘p’ in them.

James Luna, Holy Grail
Do more yoga, eat less tofu, hit a high C#, do a pull-up, and meet more hot nerdy chicks.

Eli Santana, Holy Grail
Start smoking.

Owen Hart
Smoke more devil’s lettuce and release an Owen Hart chopped and screwed remix split with a Swishahouse artist.

As They Sleep
Aaron Bridgewater: To punch everyone in the entire cast of “Jersey Shore.” Especially the chicks.
Nick Morris: To stop eating so many tacos.
Barry Gomez: To eat as many tacos as humanly possible.
Tony Lukitsh: To get carpal tunnel syndrome.
Derek Kosiba: To stay awake more. (He was sleeping as usual so this is Aaron answering for him.)

While She Sleeps
Sean Long: Get rich or die tryin’.
Lawrence Taylor: Sort my life out.
Mat Welsh: Get stateside.
Aaran Mckenzie: To shave my beard once a day for an entire month.
Adam Savage: Nurse a sheep and raise it for my own.

Zac, Extremity Retained Booking/Strong Intention
1.Lose weight (so I can trim down from size SUV to size…mini-cooper).
2. Encourage Seth from AxCx to rethink this whole “sober” lifestyle.
3. Unlock the secret of how Derrek from Cattle Decapitation landed a date with Alice Cooper.
4.Get Ben Falgoust a calculator so he can properly calculate merch rates.
5. Get Dave Suzuki back in Vital Remains.

Aya, Unsun
1.earlier to bed, more sleep
3.eat more and less coffee
4.stop to use bad language
5.meet with friends more often
6.go on a long tour in North America

Mauser, Unsun
1.Visit U.S with Unsun soon as possible
2.Stop smoking cigarettes
3.More practice on the guitar:)
4.Be a better father for my sons
5.Be strong and never give up

Judas Priestess
1. To stop pilfering from Waffle House when on tour. We’ve got quite a collection: hats, mugs, cups, etc. (We’re currently working on getting an apron.) It’s an addiction, really, and WH merch is hard to get your hands on! You gotta hustle for that shit!!
2. Remove “leather toilet paper” from our tour rider. Sometimes, there is such a thing as “too metal.”
3. Team up with all-male Wilson-Phillips doom metal tribute band and tour the world!

Ronnie, Grave
To continue to make the best music/metal as I possible can; (this might be a cliché though but fuck it) lose some weight and start to work out BUT still have a good time with my friends over a beer… or 12; and last but not least continue to not take life too seriously and just go with the flow as you only live once!

Trevor Strnad, The Black Dahlia Murder
Run on that conveyor belt thingy that’s taking up so much space in my living room that I hang dry my metal shirts on.

Mark Rizzo, Soulfly, Ill Nino
Park my Hummer in hybrid spaces and spend more time studying and living with the bears on my property at my mountain house retreat where I can work much harder, practice more, and tour more.

Kelly Shaefer, Athiest
Enjoy traveling and appreciate the sights a bit more while on tour, taking more pictures, and to write even more songs!

Jimmy Bower, Down
Quitting smoking for sure!!!!!!

Kevin, Murder Construct/Fetus Eaters
Not get mistaken for Steve from Phobia.

Mike Majewski, Devourment
Quit drinking, get ripped, get out of debt.

New Year’s And You: A Guide To Making It Through The New Year Guilt-Free
By Red Fang Road Chief Chris Coyle

Making New Year’s resolutions is kinda like looking at Casual Encounters on Craigslist, it starts off all fun and games but in the end you’re left just feeling depressed and hollow. As if work, bills, a diet of nothing but Top Ramen and Kool-Aid, a cat that likes to barf on your pillow, and that weird patch of hair that is coming in on your palm isn’t enough to worry about, now you have to create some of your own problems because another month rolled over? We don’t think so. That’s why we’ve come up with a handful of resolutions that even the laziest metal head can follow through with within a year and feel good about doing—or not doing, who are we to judge?

1. Listen to Black Sabbath at least once a week. (Yes, even the Ian Gillan stuff counts)

2. Don’t wash your jean jacket the entire year.

3. After a couple too many beers, get into the “What the hell happened to Metallica?” conversation at least once.

4. Find a random other long hair, walk up and say “Slayer or Pantera?” No matter which one he picks, argue the other side.

5. Talk to some friends about starting a band. Never do anything about it.

6. Come see Red Fang on tour this year, buy a thousand dollars worth of merch and tip me a hunskie. What…?

7. Get really baked and eat an entire can of Pringles in one sitting while listening to Yob’s Catharsis.

8. Hang out in an abandoned parking lot drinking peach schnapps and listening to Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son, you know, just to keep it real.

9. You see where we’re going with this? All of these are easily accomplishable. Hell, you could knock most of this list off in a day. So get out there and set that bar low! We know you got it in ya.