Wolvhammer Star In: Yet Another Tour Diary, Except This One’s Maybe Funny and Original (The End)

When they’re not getting down with the Cinnabon sickness at the Mall of America, Minneapolis BM punks Wolvhammer enjoy decimating faces on tour. Drummer/resident smartass Heath Rave will give us the gory, hopefully idiotic details.
Nov 7, NOLA

Slept all day in preparation for what will prove to be the most brutal drives of our tour. Ryan and Andy headed out early to a BBQ, and Ryan showed back up covered in mud (I was still sleeping). Apparently too many beers that early makes you sink down to your knees in the mud by the river. Kind of bummed I didn’t get up for the BBQ. Can’t see all the fun all the time, I guess.

We all get showered up and head into NOLA for the show. Man, I fucking hate driving over these bridges. They are really high up and the lanes are really skinny; I almost barf every time we’ve driven around this town. We arrive at the venue. It’s a new place called Siberia. Showed up to some red beans and rice, made by the promoter. Totally fucking amazing and a big surprise; American promoters need to learn that feeding the bands is a nice thing to do. By the way, did I tell you we are playing with the mighty fucking INQUISITION tonight?! These are two of the nicest Satanists I’ve ever met in my life. Really personable and straightforward/no-bullshit kind of people. Unfortunately, they were unable to procure any corpsepaint for the evening (really? there isn’t a fucking year-round Halloween store in New Orleans?) and had to play “bare back,” as they put it.

They still played an amazing set and we made enough money to get us from here to Indianapolis today. “Today” cause it’s now 3:30 in the morning and I’m starting to load out his gear myself while my dudes think they are going to get laid in the next 20 minutes, ’cause we needed to start driving like an hour ago. Wait, one did, in a car, right outside the venue. I just can’t be mad at him. One appeared from a heavy make-out session and did manage to help get this gear going, though; thanks, dude. Alright, let’s gas up and get this motherfucker over with. It’s gonna suck. By the way.

new stavros

Nov 8, Indianapolis, IN
Ahhhhhhhh fuck. I’ve been in this van for 13 hours other than a nice stop in Kentucky at Chick-fil-A. Sadly, they love Jesus, but they sure do got some good chicken and various amazing dipping sauces. Very nice bathrooms, too. While shitting, I thought, hey, these guys really like Jesus. I had heard it, but the ad in the stall just seemed to be subliminally calling me to buy more chicken for Jesus. The power of Christ compels me, I buy more chicken.

Finally arrive in Indy, where at the venue I discover a bathroom that will magically turn you into Stavros from earlier this year. It was a strange sensation. My pants fell below my ass and I suddenly craved feta cheese. That was weird. I gotta get out of this bathroom. Did both locals cancel? Yes. Did we have to unload our stuff? Nope. Did we still get some gas money from a good friend? Yes. Did I get to watch more episodes of Fringe? You’re goddamn right.

Nov 9, Chicago, IL
Drove here last night and woke up to an amazing breakfast from Stavros. I gotta take the time to say, he did such a great job for us and I don’t think this would have went as well as it did without him. Thanks so much, dude. We had a great show at the the Empty Bottle with the Swan King and Hunters. Do yourself a favor and check out both of these bands. Hands down the best show we got to play on tour and, frankly, uneventful. Got to see all the people that make Chicago our second home and had a great goddamn time all around. Probably the best way this tour could’ve ended. Big thanks to Stavros, Steven/Init Records, Decibel, Shirts and Destroy and all the great friends and people we got to see on your road. We will never forget you, Chewie.