Holiday Shopping List for My Deciblog Coworkers

My fellow dbloggers have covered my ass this past year on more than a few (or, like, a few hundred) occasions. In order to thank them, I scoured eBay for some rare vinyl goodies. Because I’m not a cheap turd, I went for the super-expensive super-rare heavy metal stuff because the pricier the album, the better it is, right? Turns out, Eastern Europe and Japan have a lock on pricey, obscure metal records. Now, because I don’t have money to burn, this list will never actually be purchased. But I wanted to show the fellas that I care, even if they’re not getting so much as a candy cane from me this year. It’s the thought that counts, that’s what I always say.

Gastunk The Vanishing Signs LP
Price: $149.99

Nothing says, “Dear Bonzo, I love you more than my mammary glands” quite like obscure Japanese hardcore punk from the mid 80s. Bonzo richly deserves some Gastunk (shown above) in his trunk (not shown). Gastunk—just say their name, Gastunk!—sport corpsepaint, crazy New Wave/goth hair, and a menacing attitude, and their songs were pretty decent. This past summer they released a three-song EP, Deadman’s Face. Somehow, we slept on it. Ooh, maybe I’ll get that for Bonzo instead and keep this LP for myself.

Tarantula Zena Zemljotres LP from 1986.
Price: $251.99

From a seller called Burning Feelings comes this claim: “This is one of rarest, most obscure and hardest to find hard metal albums from former Yugoslavia.” Shane has a PhD in obscure shit, so I’ll stuff his stocking with this bad boy. The cover art seals the deal. It’s a naked chick’s butt hip-checking and cracking a Eunuch statue. At least, I think it’s a Eunuch. The statue is of indeterminate gender, actually. And now I love it even more. I may keep this for myself. But the chick has tramp-stamp that looks more like an engorged tick than a tarantula, and I know how much Shane loves a chick with a tramp-stamp… Decisions, decisions.

Various Artists Rock Pretty LP
Price: $49.99

Side 1:
1. The Grip: Two Hearts
2. The Babysitters: Rock En Roll Chicken
3. Marionette: Gettin’ Sticky (Over The Girl Next Door)
4. Aunt May: Flesh Of The Devil
5. Napalm Hearts: Little Miss Teazer

Side 2:
1. Marionette: You Better Believe It
2. The Babysitters: The Beard Song
3. Napalm Hearts: Suzy (Was A Live Wire)
4. Aunt May: Respect The Dead
5. The Grip: Tension

The seller included the words “Sexy Cheesecake” in the title. The cartoon human on the cover looks like Nikki Sixx with implants. That’s a sign of quality right there. Shawn likes sexy and he also likes cheesecake, and I know he likes quality. I’ll get this compilation for him. Except… maybe I should keep it for myself. I’ve never heard of these bands, but with song titles like “The Beard Song,” “Gettin’ Sticky (Over The Girl Next Door),” and “Rock En Roll Chicken,” I’m guessing they’re beyond awesome. I’d probably listen to this record more than Shawn would anyway.

Krypton Fara Teama LP
Price: $104.99

Holy shit, it’s the Romanian heavy-metal Menudo. The seller (Burning Feelings again!) tags Krypton as “power and progressive metal.” Chris just reviewed the Blind Guardian show, so he’s gonna cream his jeans when he hears this. The dude on the left with the red pants and headband is holding a machine gun. Bad ass. Wonder who that old guy is standing next to him. Maybe he’s their svengali, like Kim Fowley or Joe Simpson. The two guys on the right look really upbeat and satisfied. Their faces say, “We have a positive mental attitude, and we’re proud of this album.” But I think the machine-gun dude is gonna blow his shiny, happy homeboys away. I bet he hates the mix. He’s probably the keyboardist. They always get shafted. The dude in the middle is Satan. I just found Chris’s new favorite band.

Karizma Vreme je za nas
Price: $83.99

Burning Feelings (again) says: “Very rare album from legendary Serbian ‘Hair Metal’ band.” If Wikipedia is to be trusted, this is their debut album, and vreme je za nas means “it’s time for us.” Oh, I think so. You know who has a lot of charisma but could use a little Karizma? Our fearless leader Albert. The poodle hair, the rolled-up sleeves, the patched-up acid-washed jeans, the package-to-ass stance… I can see Mudrian throwing the horns already. Karizma is going to inspire Albert to do magnificent things. I’m not sure what those things could be, but I’m sure they’d be magnificent.

Nokemono From the Black World
Price: $99.99

Sizzling Japanese hard rock inspired by NWOBHM, Nokemono released this album in ’79 and fancied themselves a KISS/Maiden type of band. They liked tight silver lamé and feathered bangs. They used a cowbell and a gong. Nick would karaoke the shit out of this album. I think he even owns those pants.

Sabbrabells Sailing on the Revenge
Price: $89.99

J. Bennett’s always a tough one to buy for, but I think I struck gold with the Sabbrabells album from ’86. Check the singer’s studded forearm cuffs, his Alice Cooper theatricality, his Cher hair. Hmm, Bennett could totally hang with this headbanging mofo, for sure. Ooh, and this album comes with a poster. Bennett loves posters of spandex-clad Japanese rockers posing with large broken clocks and bad motel carpeting. He already has a few similar posters in his game room. Everyone compliments him on them. I think this is a winner.