Wolvhammer Star In: Yet Another Tour Diary, Except This One’s Maybe Funny and Original (Part 2)

When they’re not getting down with the Cinnabon sickness at the Mall of America, Minneapolis BM punks Wolvhammer enjoy decimating faces on tour. Drummer/resident smartass Heath Rave will give us the gory, hopefully idiotic details.
Thursday, Oct 28, Fargo, ND

Um, what can I say about Fargo? We’ve played here many times now. It’s an easy spot to hit when you live in the great white land of hotdish. By the way, do you know about hotdish? It’s an amazing feat of sustenance invented by heartier people of the north whose average high temperature mid-January is minus-zero. Yeah that’s right, MINUS FUCKING ZERO. It helps write songs for sure.

But anyways, hotdish: It requires a good sized casserole dish, then you get some ground meat of whatever you like, some cream of whatchagotinthepantrysoup, some peas, corn, green beans, whatever, carrots are cool, then you top that shit with tater tots. Then you bake that shit and eat for days. Bacon helps too, ’cause bacon makes shit solid gold. By the way, we didn’t eat that today, I was just trying to fill the space ’cause we’re going to Fargo.

Oh yeah, Fargo. We played. It was cool. We got drunk. That’s what mammals do. Our buddy Rusty Steele of Battlefields put our show on. He’s an old friend and a real solid dude. At his home we discovered that you can order a kit on late night TV from Criss Angel that will teach you how to levitate and make underage girls swoon for you as you get older and creepier. And seriously, who wouldn’t want to learn how to levitate?

Friday, Oct 29, Sioux Falls, SD
atlas gun
The best part for us about playing in Sioux Falls is that my hometown of Dell Rapids is just a mere 18 miles north of it—we can stop at my sister’s, get fed, chill out and shoot guns. It’s become a tradition in the Wolvhammer camp to make sure we see my sister and fire off a few rounds out back. Stavros shot a gun for the first time today. What the fuck is that? He looks like a rapper and is from Chicago, never shot a gun ’til today. We got to try out my nephew’s new Saturday Night Special—nice little gun, great action, excellent weight. If you run out of ammo too fast ’cause you can’t aim a gun properly or ’cause you got all Dirty Harry and blew your load too quick, you can always smack someone in the head with and it will surely knock them out.

Stavros also got to go to an actual farm for the first time. I took him over to my dad’s place and showed him some vintage tractors that he restores, Minneapolis Moline if you wish to see a fine piece of vintage machinery. Google that shit. Man, for being a gangster-ass white rapper from Chicago he sure seemed a little frightened of the sheer vastness around him. Or he was just afraid that he’d get kidnapped and taken to the middle of a cornfield to be raped all white rapper-style.

Show was typical Sioux Falls. Played with a band of an Incubus flavor; they brought all their friends who paid. We start. They leave. Hah hah, suckers, we got all your friends’ money, and our 12 good friends don’t have to smell your Axe Body Spray while they watch us. Steven Williams of Init Records came out. He’s the fine dude that put out our record in July, which you probably downloaded even though we need your money. I ain’t mad, though; I’d do the same thing. Oh yeah, we got drunk and played. Fucking mammals.

Day off tomorrow to drive to Denver. Can’t wait, man. Can you say dispensaries?????? I ain’t gonna need your shitty magic kit to levitate tomorrow, Criss Angel.