Rock to Bach

By: shane.mehling Posted in: stupid crap On: Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

You ever heard “Piano Metal”? No? Well it fucking sucks.

Pornogrind would top my list of most inexplicable metal genres if it wasn’t for Germany. Folks over there continue to create “extreme” music that’s like some sort of aural Punk’d, where halfway through the song you’re sure someone’s videotaping your reaction behind two-way glass. Remember that this is the country who brought us Van Canto, the “Hero metal a cappella” band who never met a Metallica song they couldn’t make embarrassing.

Now we have In Legend, a “Hand-Hammered Piano Craft” group who spurns guitars to create a maelstrom of double bass, whiplashing hair and numerous tickled ivories.

There isn’t much to the actual video (don’t let the opening credits fool you). It’s a watery mixture of the trio playing in a empty room and the main dude sledgehammering a piano to give you the false perception that he too knows this is madness. But just close your eyes and let the music thoroughly bum you out.

I’m thinking if you took Burton C. Bell and asked him to do his clean vocals over an Evanescence song, you’d be close… except then you have to take out all the guitars. So yes, In Legend is worse that what I just mentioned.

I know just because this is “metal” it doesn’t have to fall under my jurisdiction and I’m far from the intended audience. But when you release a press photo like this:

I can’t help but submit my opinion. Quick idea, though- Baby Grand Pornogrind.

  • Jmh

    The Keanes Of Metal.

  • Nickamc

    Pivixki is more piano grind, not quite as melon grabbing as these guys, but IMO totally alot more excellent.

  • Lisa

    Umm… Yeah, I know music tastes are different and of course I also don’t like a lot of stuff in today’s music… BUT I guess I will never understand why the people find so much pleasure in or even get a kick out of bashing the work that others have put hours of passion and energy into. If I don’t like it – I just don’t listen to it and ignore it. But I guess some people just have to make up for something in their life or have just too much time that they can waste for writing pointless essays like that. Well done – now where in life are you heading? Don’t you have anything better to do to spend your time with? Have you ever played an instrument or spent hours in the studio and just let the creativity flow?.. Uh huh. I see!

  • Don

    Is there be a more fitting category where this *ahem* blog article could be posted? Yeah, right. Self-reference at its best… ;)

  • Anonymous

    The word Metal means many things and for me, the word “metal” means tolerance. This has good reasons. When you feel in your yough, that no other of the Kids listen to your music and you just feel different from them and than you are outsider. And you see, music is so different, no genre is the same, and no band is playing the same song over and over again. And if you say that you just need the “pure” metal just with guitar, drums and you just get screamed in your face, than you are no better to me than Hip Hoppers that say “Melodies? who needs that? we just need text and beats” Are you so proud of listening to the right metal that you closed your ears for new and creativ stuff?  that you could define what the RIGHT metal ist? I don’t think so. Where Metal start an where it end cannot be defined. And as Lisa says, just do not listen to it if you do not like it. And for your Reporter skills this is very poor work.

    • Susi

      You might have a different opinion about the music, but this is among of the best slating I’ve ever read. Besides, I don’t see one line in the review that suggests that the writer condemns the music because it isn’t “right” (gosh, learn English) Metal.
      Besides, if you’re so super-tolerant, why can’t you just accept another persons opinion? Free speech still exists, at least in some parts of the world. Seriously, I don’t understand why some people have to be such crybabys when someone doesn’t like their favourite music.

      • Misha

        maybe its not only because he bashes German Metal bands in General, Is konservative as S**t, isnt even trying to be objective and point out WHAT exactly sucks about the Music or is just fitting into the typical American Stereotype that every European Metalhead just hates… No maybe its because this is the FIRST EVER bad Review of In Legend… and thats cause hes way to stupid to see a piece of Art when it hits his face with a sledgehammer.
        but hey, heres Opinion for you…

      • Anonymous

         If it wasnt for the magazine that many people refer to I would say “hey, ok, you dont like it. Fine. Nobody forces you to like it” But people that works for magazines should be aware of a certain power of the readers to create their opinions. It also create dislike towards Germany because of “bad” music taste.
        The powers from the Media over persons is a very powerful psychologic phenomena. Just be aware of it please. You really can take a positiv attitude towards this music away.
        This person who wrote this article is not writing as a private person but as a voice from that magazine. And so I do not cry over it, but I think it is not ok at all and that is my free response to it.
        And i have a personal saying from a philosopher. That your only borders in your own personal freedom is the one next to you. And within this borders I can say, yes, i am pritty much tolerant.
        And to find a resumee for me, if you dont like it, its completly fine with me, but please think of the responsibilty the magazine has.

        And about my english, yes it sucks, i know ;) but i think it is understandable.

  • Leticia

     Well, u can love it, u can hate it, still it’s YOUR opinion, but I guess ud never be capable to do anything else than spoil another people’s things because u dont have a soul to feel the songs, and of course dont have an open mind to see another styles and new generations of good [or at least interesting] music. I agre with the people below, if u dont like some things, just dont waste your precious time talking about it :)

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