By Road Chief Chris Coyle (Red Fang)
Well, Decibel, you pose a question that can only lead to more questions: Are the cans full or empty? Twelve ounce, tall boys or king kans? Domestic or import? You see, we are no strangers to the beer can in any form and have dedicated the better part of our lives to studying them like thirsty rock and roll versions of Jane Goodall. But we are not here to bore you with our scientific findings, such as our six-month study on the mini keg versus the party ball, so we will tell you some of our favorite all time things we’ve made with the containers of Satan’s apple juice.
5. A Muffler Patch:
Our first few tours we did in a van we dubbed “the brown star” which, in hindsight, should have never left Portland city limits. On our way out of Oakland, the exhaust started to sound like a Cannibal Corpse sound check, so we wrapped the hole with a cut apart beer can and some guitar string and the next thing you know, well, we were still stuck in Oakland. But it sounded like a good idea.
4. A Homeless Guy Stoked After Making The Prehistoric Dog Video:
The question that gets asked the most about that video is “How many beer cans did you use” The answer is four bajillion. No joke. We counted every one. I’m not sure if you’ve ever caught a whiff of four bajillion beer cans before, but it smells like a bum fart in mid-July. Thankfully Oregon has a five-cent refund on cans so we just shoveled David’s kitchen into garbage bags and handed off to the nearest homeless dude. Last we saw him he was driving a Porsche to his house in the west hills.
3. A Helicopter:
This one time we had been caught by the CIA and they locked us in a beer warehouse with an old riding lawn mower and two gross of bottle rockets, so Face Man came up with a plan. B.A. and Hannibal started welding together the cans using the bottle rockets while Murdock built a rotor with the lawn mower motor… Wait, sorry, that was the A-Team.
2. More Beer:
As mentioned before, we get a nickel a can for empties in Portland, so if a six pack cost about five bucks and you get thirty cents for back on every one you drink, that means you need to drink, uh, let’s see… Carry the two… Divided by nine times pi… Whatever, you do the math. It still rules.
1. An Ashtray:
Theirs is nothing really funny about this. It’s just true—we use them for ashtrays a lot.
We could go all day, but all this talk just gave us an idea for how to build our own seaworthy beer-can submarine. Make sure to download our new song “Wires” on the free tour sampler (ed note: since we can’t get the Flash player to load, click here to for “Wires”). Oh yeah, if anyone figures out how to make good, non-flimsy guitar picks out of beer cans fill us in. If you got any other ideas for empties come out and tell us in person during our tour with our partners in rock Valient Thorr starting now.
Tour To Live!
** Red Fang is out on tour now with Valient Thorr. Tour dates are below:
10/13 – Santa Barbara, CA @ Velvet Jones+
10/14 – Costa Mesa, CA @ Detroit Bar+
10/15 – Las Vegas, NV @ Cheyenne Saloon+
10/16 – Los Angeles, CA @ Spaceland+
10/17 – San Diego, CA @ Casbah+
10/18 – Phoenix, AZ @ Yucca Tap Room+
10/19 – Albuquerque, NM @ Launchpad+
10/22 – Corpus Christi, TX @ House Of Rock+
10/23 – Dallas, TX @ Double Wide+
10/24 – Houston, TX @ Rudyards+
10/26 – Denver, CO Three Kings
10/27 – Salt Lake City, UT Burt’s Tiki Lounge
10/28 – Boise, ID Neurolux Lounge
+ w/ Valient Thorr