Diamond Eyes Set to Kill

By: andrew Posted in: contest, featured, things andrew hates On: Thursday, October 14th, 2010

philliesvsgiants

I know, I know, with all the thrilling Jets shootouts going on this year, it’s hard to believe that the fourth consecutive completely pointless baseball season hasn’t ended yet. But this Saturday, Tim “Fuck Yeah” Lincecum will square off against Roy “Too Mormon to Photobomb” Halladay in Game One of the National League Championship Series. (Giants vs. Phillies, respectively, for those of you who are completely clueless/soccer fans.) The winner will probably struggle to avoid being the Yankees’ 28th World Series victim, since God hates everybody but assholes.

Normally I would rather rearrange my dingleberry collection than witness this sadly-now-annual nightmare, but now that there’s an opportunity to (mildly) humiliate dB’s esteemed editor-in-chief (one of the few non-poseur Phillies fans I suffer on a daily basis, I must concede), I may have to tune in. You see, Matt Harvey of the brilliant Exhumed not only has way too much faith in the Giants’ anemic-at-best offense, but decided to put said motley collection to the friendly-wager test against Albert Mudrian’s as-yet-undetected HGH huffers. Here’s the bet: The fan of the losing team must not only write an essay for the Deciblog on why the winners ruled their stupid faces, but has to pose for a humiliating picture in the opposition’s gear.

Good start, but kinda tame overall, if you ask me. I mean, no taint tattoos or dry-humping Fatheads or anything? Any suggestions?

UPDATE BEFORE THIS SHIT EVEN GOES LIVE: MATT HARVEY THROWS DOWN

From the desk of Matt “Hellfiend” Harvey

An open letter to Albert Mudrian:

Hey fucker,

The Giants are getting ready to take on 2009 NL Champion Phillies this
weekend, and I am psyched! This match-up is gonna be awesome,
basically all of the best pitchers in the National League will be
united in a struggle to K their way to the World Series. So far this
year, the teams have split their 6 games evenly (both 3 game series
were split 2-1 in favor of the home team), with the Giants handing
Halladay his first loss of the season, way back in April! The Giants
haven’t won a World Series since 1954 when they were still in New York
(we lost the series 1962, 1989, and 2002), so to say that Giants fans
are hungry would be like saying Dave Grave is a “sort of awesome”
drummer! Our pitching staff has been amazing down the stretch, with
Cain, Bumgarner, Wilson and of course Lincecum kicking serious ass!
We’ve got right handers, left handers, a killer bullpen and Brian
Wilson’s kick-ass beard and pseudo mullet-mohawk. Yeah, we haven’t
scored a lot of runs, but we haven’t had to. However, we have a great
balance in the line-up, where we’ve been getting a lot of help from
Pat Burrell (remember him, Philly fans?), Aubrey Huff, Buster (NL
Rookie of the year? Hell yes!) Posey, and even Uribe and my vote for
“most underestimated,” Cody Ross.

What would make the impending Giants victory in the NLCS all the
sweeter? How about this: When the Giants win, my favorite Phillies
enthusiast (yes, Mudrian – you) writes me a concession essay for the
Deciblog extolling the manifold virtues of the SF Giants, and has to
grow a Brian Wilson beard (and dye it black) and post a picture of
said beard on said Deciblog! I am so sure that we shall triumph (of
death) over Philadelphia, I am willing to write a concession essay of
my own praising the Phillies (ugh…) if they win, and to demonstrate
my magnanimous sportsmanship, I will stage-dive wearing a Philly
Phanatic costume (supplied by Decibel , of course) at
some point during Maryland Deathfest 2011.

So Mudrian, consider the gauntlet thrown down!
- Matt Harvey
(Exhumed, Dekapitator, etc.)

PS – apologies to Will Carroll and Col Jones, two of my favorite
drummers that are probably far better qualified to be writing this
than I, but not as foolish in their willingness to risk humiliation

  • http://www.thepathlesstraveledrecords.com Avail73

    The loser should have to star in Seth Putnam’s next movie.

  • Scott C

    Don’t worry Harv. Someone in Baltimore will catch you when you dive, right?

  • Krismacfalda

    I hope this actually happens. I dont really care about the bet, I just want to see the Phillies lose.

  • http://www.metalsucks.net/2010/10/14/fear-emptiness-decibel-exhumeds-matt-harvey-decibels-albert-mudrian-make-a-retarded-wager-over-the-national-league-championship-series/ MetalSucks » Blog Archive » FEAR, EMPTINESS, DECIBEL: EXHUMED’S MATT HARVEY & DECIBEL‘S ALBERT MUDRIAN MAKE A RETARDED WAGER OVER THE NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

    [...] Brian Wilson lately can attest that his Harvey’s challenge is solid fucking gold. Catch up right here for the terms, and join us in brainstorming something even more [...]

  • Albert

    Yes, they still remember the 1983 World Series, so they’ll be sympathetic.

  • http://www.decibelmagazine.com/free/snake-rattle-rock-n-roll/ Snake, Rattle, Rock ‘n’ Roll | Decibel Magazine

    [...] Phillies game to command your undivided attention this Friday; hell, we may even know the victor of this high-stakes wager by then. So, take a break from pondering the complexities of the double switch, hop on the Blue [...]

  • http://www.decibelmagazine.com/stupid-crap/a-giant-headache/ A Giant Headache | Decibel Magazine

    [...] have the time (and perhaps not even the physical ability) to grow a Brian Wilson beard, as per my NLCS bet with Matt Harvey (plus, like you’re really gonna even remember this bet in the five weeks it would take to grow [...]

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