Few posts are penned with more vitriol than by keyboard warriors reviewing products that they had no intention of ever purchasing in the first place. Recycling-conscious canned-water company (and internet-hate magnet) Liquid Death weren’t about to let all of the scathing appraisals they’ve received go down the drain, instead they’ve compiled all the best barbs into their own “Greatest Hates” heavy metal album, featuring word-for-word crowdsourced social media slander for lyrics.
File under: Rock ‘N Troll.
Recorded and arranged by Gus Rios (Gruesome, ex-Malevolent Creation), the 10-track lambasting rings in just over 22 minutes and features deep cuts like “Bad Marketing,” “Reconsider Your Life Choices” and “Dumbest Name Ever for Water.” Gus handles the drums, bass and guitar on the project, with additional riffs provided by his Upon Infliction bandmate Seth Ringler (Eternal). Torin Ridgeway and James Malone of Arsis cover lead and background vocals, respectively. The duo deliver the true animosity intended by the internet on this acrimonious slab of wax.
Now streaming on Spotify and Apple Music, the album was executive produced by Blasko (ex-Cryptic Slaughter) and mixed and mastered by Matt Laplant, who also flexed the faders on Malevolent Creation’s 2007 LP “Doomsday X”. Well-hydrated purists will be pleased to know the offering is also available on 140g black vinyl, with fervor-inciting artwork from Milanese artist SoloMacello, who has produced extraordinary images for Zakk Sabbath and Mayhem among others. The record ships out late May and true to the brand is “proudly not for everyone.”
With lyrical fodder ranging from anti-obscenity pulpit beating (“This Crap Is Pure Evil”) to armchair economic snark (“Go Out Of Business,” “Get Slaughtered On Shark Tank”) these smash hits are worthy of their very own TV infomercial, complete with a patronizing voice-over and slowly scrolling track titles …annnnd they have one:
Already infamous for their antagonistic advertising tactics, a Liquid Death marketing campaign in which fans of the brand are invited to sell their souls for access to limited edition merchandise is reproached on the album’s B-side, with vexed reviewer Melissa R noting “Selling Your Soul is Deplorable.” The full lyrics are available to read online, as well as printed on the back of the limited-edition LP. Who said complaining on the internet doesn’t get shit done??
The brand notes that the negative comments generated out of the ether have become some of their most popular content, a caveat the original posters should be horrified to know. Far from the bad guy, Liquid Death has recently launch their “Death Peddlers United” program, offering bands and brands the opportunity to partner in pushing the canned water, with 50% of all profit to be shared by the outlet bringing in the business. It’s their way of putting a couple of bucks back in pockets of sidelined artists. Converge is already named among their peddlin’ partners.
Conscious of the times, the brand has also launched a “Fuck Corona” pricing special to incentivize stockpiling:
Full disclosure: Liquid Death also happens to be the official water of the Decibel Magazine Tour and Decibel Magazine Metal & Beer Fest: Philly, so while we await convening at whatever the next much-needed live event the world allows us to attend is, we advise popping a can and toasting to the “Huge Tools (Every Single Person Involved)” who made this album a reality. Especially all the haters, they couldn’t have done this without you!
Pictured above: an actual internet warrior throwing shade into the void.