For Those About To Squawk: Waldo’s Interview Tips

So people frequently ask me, “Waldo, however did you get this CAKE gig at Decibel reviewing new releases?” Well, I gotta say that this parrot is a good interviewer, so, here are some tips for interviewing at a major magazine.

-First of all, dress appropriately. You are not impressing anyone with a “Blistering Corpustulance” shirt that says “Jesus Gave Me a Blowjob” on the back. Maybe try some slacks and a polo.

-Make a good first impression. For me, I just squawked a lot and, like, shit in my cage.

-Answer the interview questions honestly and direct. For example, when asked what your writing skills are, DO NOT answer that with a story about that one time you were at a Renaissance Fair and hung out with a DIO impersonator.

-DO NOT touch your dingus in an interview. It’s not appropriate.

So, anyway, Decibel pays me to review some upcoming releases. So, here we go.

Want some REAL death metal?  Australia’s Cemetery Urn hit us with a self-titled release on Hell’s Headbangers. WOW. This is brutal, primitive death metal. There are no frills here. This is raw and visceral and well, it pecking rocks. FUCK, I’m digging this. This is how death metal should be, a nasty experience. This is the Aussies’ 3rd record and my first time hearing of them. This is killer. Rock this LOUD. 7 Fucking Pecks.

So Brooklyn’s Tombs are releasing their Metal Blade debut The Grand Annihilation. Always a kind of “different” band, Tombs mixes black metal, post-hardcore, shoegaze, and, well, general fuckery, and on this release it seems like a more cohesive package. This is how Tombs should sound, pummeling and bleak, they’ve finally hit their stride on this one. This is cool. 7 Fucking Pecks.

Wrong One To Fuck With by Dying Fetus, I mean, what can be said about Dying Fetus that hasn’t already been said? These guys have been around forever. If you don’t know, Dying Fetus play death metal (duh) with a slam bent. This is mean, and well, it’s death metal no doubt. It’s fast, but it’s really when Fetus digs into the grooves is where this record really shines. Gallagher know how to write a riff and he knows how to write a mosh riff for sure. 7 Fucking Pecks