As we’re now about two knuckles deep into the holiday season and rounding third, I’m sure you’ve already seen people posting “No Presents for Christmas” like they just discovered a secret. Maybe you’ve been tempted to do this yourself. This should be one of those temptations you keep to yourself, like the urge to take your dick out at the mall Santa or discuss politics at family gatherings. In order to help you and also possibly expand your horizons beyond the same joke every year, I’ve assembled some alternatives to impress your online friends with during this, the most wonderful time of the year.
Venom – “Black Christmas”
Taken from Calm Before the Storm, this one should somehow be obvious but since it’s not from the first three records, it gets ignored. Sure, Venom had changed their sound a bit on this record (which is the lead in for the Cronos solo records, which also don’t get enough love) but the fact that it’s the classic lineup and miles better than a lot of the shit that came out during the time period should land the record in our “Justify Your Shitty Taste” column easily. Instead, I’m sliding this one under your tree. After writing that last sentence I hope I didn’t just trigger people, as you cannot be too cautious these days.
Gehennah – No Fucking Christmas
I couldn’t pick out just one song from this 1995 EP, so I figured I’d post the entire thing. This is possibly the most mean-spirited Christmas record ever recorded, sounding like how vomiting egg nog smells. With songs like “Merry Shitmas,” I can’t see why this shouldn’t become a part of your family tradition, especially if you are unfortunate enough to have small children.
Lemmy Kilmister w/Billy Gibbons – “Run Rudolph, Run”
Probably the most glaringly obvious entry on this list. There’s other musicians on this but really all you need to know is Lemmy and Billy Gibbons were in a studio together and that should be enough to give you a hangover without even touching hot buttered rum, which — regardless of the time of year— you shouldn’t drink anyway because that shit’s fucking gross. Or maybe it isn’t, but when someone made it at a holiday party a few years ago, it was a similar experience to how my family choking back tears of disappointment in me must feel.
Poison Idea – “Santa Clause is Back in Town”
One of America’s greatest punk institutions of course had to have some take on Christmas considering they’ve done a litany of covers over the years (some better than the original, check out their LP Pajama Party for plenty of examples) and also possess the kind of sarcasm which makes this perfect for the sort of night where you thought about throwing out the rotting pumpkin on your front porch but decided to watch “Die Hard” instead.
Eazy E – “Merry Muthaphukkin Christmas”
Honestly I mostly put this here because I can’t wait to see the comments section. It makes me feel like a kid on Christmas morning (LOL GET IT?)
I’m sure I’ve missed a few but there’s only so many hours in a workday where you can scan the internet for shit and not get in trouble. I decided to skip the Joey Ramone song because it’s too obvious and Tormentor had that song with Christmas in the title but I’d like to forget they did a reunion album. I’ve been trying to think of an appropriate ending to this festive piece but the only thing I could think of was a line from the vinyl reissue of Black Crucifixion’s “Fallen One of Flames” which complains that parents now give their kids black metal records for Christmas.