Gehennah’s 10 guidelines for an anti-poser lifestyle

photo: Soile Siirtola
photo: Soile Siirtola

This story originally ran in our April 2016 issue, which Gehennah would encourage  you to steal, but, really, you should order right here

Swedish street metal troublemakers Gehennah have been trumpeting the virtues (okay, mostly vices) of booze-fueled brawling for over 20 years, on and off. What better way to celebrate Too Loud to Live, Too Drunk to Die, their first full-length since 1997, than by irresponsibly relaying their handy 10-step program for utter poser decimation?

1. Stay filthy
Personal hygiene is for Dark Tranquillity fans. Showers should be low on the list of priorities, well below things like daytime drinking and shoplifting.

2. Listen to early Tank
Fun facts: Every time you play Filth Hounds of Hades, a poser somewhere on the planet gets a nosebleed. Every time you play Power of the Hunter, a bottle of fancy white wine somewhere turns into piss. And if you play both albums simultaneously, an invisible demonic anti-poser force writes three letters filled with death threats and mails them to three randomly chosen wimps around the globe.

3. Public intoxication will get you anti-poser points
It is a good thing to be drunk in large crowds of sober people, especially early in the day. Idiotic, drunken behavior among boring losers will be good for your anti-poser karma.

4. If life gives you lemons, punch a stranger in the face
Got a problem? Don’t whine about it—get out there and place a fist in the face of some random asshole who doesn’t like Motörhead. It won’t make your problems go away—in fact, it will give you a new one—but it will feel extremely good.

5. Avoid all things acoustic
Stay away from acoustic guitars, acoustic attitudes and acoustic haircuts. Your whole way of life should be distorted.

6. Stay stupid
Nobody likes a besserwisser, so stay uneducated. A college degree will get you nowhere fast. If you absolutely feel the need to learn something, listen to some Iron Maiden. Or some Iron Angel.

7. Worship Satan
Goes without sayin’.

8. Borrow money, don’t pay it back
Being in debt can be a pain in the ass—if you intend to pay back. If you don’t, however, it’s a great way to get some cash when you’re lacking a steady income. Just make sure the sucker you’re ripping off isn’t a Rose Tattoo and/or Beherit fan.

9. Be a total asshole
There is no reason to run around being a good person in a world where more than 99 percent of the people don’t appreciate the first three albums by Raven. Act like a total asshole. If you ever feel an absolute need to do something nice, make sure you do it to someone who deserves it—namely a fan of early Raven.

10. Destroy other people’s things
When you get the chance, make sure to wreck some poser property. Be a force of chaos and random destruction, and leave it to the wimps to whine and moan about it. Wanna create and contribute? Maybe the anti-poser lifestyle is not for you.

Gehennah’s new LP, Too Loud to Live, Too Drunk to Die, is the only record in 2016 that has brought me true joy. Go fucking buy it