Encrotchment, The NF-feld AWARDS, with Eddie Gobbo

Notes About Nothing

Well, everyone, we have reached the kinda, sorta end of the NFL season. We still have one massive game looming, the name escapes me, next week between the Broncos and Panthers. But we’ll wait ’til next week to discuss that.

This week, we recap the NFL Season as only I know how: Comparing it to Seinfeld.

Both greatness and disappointment are paralleled to Seinfeld by yours truly in an awards-show-style fashion. 

I must warn you:

If you don’t like Seinfeld, you will likely hate this week’s column. 

If you DO like Seinfeld, this will likely be your new Bible.

We’re Back in Business, Baby. 

I give you the Second Annual Encrotchment, NF-Feld Awards!


The Jerry Seinfeld “How Can Anyone Not Like Him?” Award

Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona Cardinals

Oldest receiver in football or not, give him the ball and he runs like he found a hair in his farina.


The George Costanza Twix Moment of The Year

Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers

“And you! How many does that make for you? Like EIGHT Hail Mary’s?!”


The Cosmo Kramer Hipster Doofus of the Year Award

Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers

Do us all a favor: Bump in to Banea and sell him that suit for a cool $300. 


The Elaine Benes “Literally nothing. I stood on the sidelines and stared” Award

Robert Griffin III, QB, Washington Redskins

Didn’t play one snap the entire season.

Jerry: “Wow. That really is nothing.”

Robert: “Told ya.”


The Joe Davola Kicker of the Year

Stephen Gostkowski, K, New England Patriots

Medication runs out while therapist is in Europe with Elaine. Misses first extra point in 10 years. Sic Semper Tyrannis’s Adam Vinatieri.


Holly’s Meat Eating Coach of the Year

Andy Reid, HC, Kansas City Cheifs

His butcher has been instructed to act all aloof, like he doesn’t know him, while in front of other people.


The Defent Exterminator of the Year Award, for Oustanding Linebacker

Luke Kuechly, LB, Carolina Panthers

“Dinners on me, Luke. Just do me a favor: Pretend we’re old friends.” 


The Play Now “Play Later” Award

Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys

On crutches for 8 weeks (funny story).

Comes back for one game,  leaves with cane (sad story).


The Mike Moffitt Phony of the Year

Jimmy Graham, TE, Seattle Seahawks

“Like you didn’t call me a LOOSE END?!”


The Van Buren Boys “Street Toughs” of the Year

The Cincinatti Bengals

Pac Man Jones: “That’s not the sign.”

Cris Collinsworth: “Was when I was bangin’.”


The Jon Voight Car, Current Owner Award

Derek Carr, QB, Oakland Raiders

“I know I sometimes spell Carr with a K, and ONE R!” 


The Wendy Hairdo of the Year

Odell Beckham, Jr., WR,  New York Giants

“Nobody wears it like that. You’d be a damned fool to change it. It’s very becoming.”


The Gary Fogel “Good For You” Jack of the Year

Brian Urlacher, Retired MLB

Frustratingly dumped after blind date with Amber Rose. 


The John Germaine “Does Everything” Award

Odell Beckham Jr., WR,  New York Giants

Hot, Heavy, and NSFW.


The Mandelbaum “It’s Go Time” Award

Bud Grant, Former HC, Minnesota Vikings

89 Years old. Third Coldest Game in NFL history. No Jacket. World’s Greatest Coach Polo.


The Relationship Elaine “Hot Girlfriend Wearing Your Oversized Shirt” Award

Rob Gronkowski’s Girlfriend, Camille Kostek

You can have the paper, but she wants it back. 


The Willard Tech Frustration of the Year Award

Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers/Microsoft Surface Tablet

“I’m Ruined!”


The Mr. Heyman Nickname Candidate of the Year

Chandler Catanzaro, K, Arizona Cardinals



The Joel Horneck Male Unbonding Award

Chip Kelly, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles

Go be friends with the 49ers. They live like three houses down and have a Ping Pong Table.


The Sharon Award

Susie Sanchez, Cheer Leader, Oakland Raiders

“What am I? Some Pom-Pom waving bimbo who sues the team she used to cheer for?”

“Who are you describing?”

“Someone I know.”

“Named Sharon?”

“No, still Sus.” 


The Neil Award

Brock Osweiler, QB, Denver Broncos

Peyton: Brock … I Win.


The Gene “Pick of the Year”

William Gay, CB, Pittsburgh Steelers

You could use a chuckle.


The Susan Ross “Can We Change the Subject?” Award

LA Football Drama

As yes, we found your love letters to John Cheever buried under the South Endzone of the Edward Jones Dome.


The Human Farfel Award

Johnny Manziel, QB, Backyard