Notes About Nothing
Well, everyone, we have reached the kinda, sorta end of the NFL season. We still have one massive game looming, the name escapes me, next week between the Broncos and Panthers. But we’ll wait ’til next week to discuss that.
This week, we recap the NFL Season as only I know how: Comparing it to Seinfeld.
Both greatness and disappointment are paralleled to Seinfeld by yours truly in an awards-show-style fashion.
I must warn you:
If you don’t like Seinfeld, you will likely hate this week’s column.
If you DO like Seinfeld, this will likely be your new Bible.
We’re Back in Business, Baby.
I give you the Second Annual Encrotchment, NF-Feld Awards!
The Jerry Seinfeld “How Can Anyone Not Like Him?” Award
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona Cardinals
Oldest receiver in football or not, give him the ball and he runs like he found a hair in his farina.
The George Costanza Twix Moment of The Year
Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers
“And you! How many does that make for you? Like EIGHT Hail Mary’s?!”
The Cosmo Kramer Hipster Doofus of the Year Award
Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers
Do us all a favor: Bump in to Banea and sell him that suit for a cool $300.
The Elaine Benes “Literally nothing. I stood on the sidelines and stared” Award
Robert Griffin III, QB, Washington Redskins
Didn’t play one snap the entire season.
Jerry: “Wow. That really is nothing.”
Robert: “Told ya.”
The Joe Davola Kicker of the Year
Stephen Gostkowski, K, New England Patriots
Medication runs out while therapist is in Europe with Elaine. Misses first extra point in 10 years. Sic Semper Tyrannis’s Adam Vinatieri.
Holly’s Meat Eating Coach of the Year
Andy Reid, HC, Kansas City Cheifs
His butcher has been instructed to act all aloof, like he doesn’t know him, while in front of other people.
The Defent Exterminator of the Year Award, for Oustanding Linebacker
Luke Kuechly, LB, Carolina Panthers
“Dinners on me, Luke. Just do me a favor: Pretend we’re old friends.”
The Play Now “Play Later” Award
Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys
On crutches for 8 weeks (funny story).
Comes back for one game, leaves with cane (sad story).
The Mike Moffitt Phony of the Year
Jimmy Graham, TE, Seattle Seahawks
“Like you didn’t call me a LOOSE END?!”
The Van Buren Boys “Street Toughs” of the Year
The Cincinatti Bengals
Pac Man Jones: “That’s not the sign.”
Cris Collinsworth: “Was when I was bangin’.”
The Jon Voight Car, Current Owner Award
Derek Carr, QB, Oakland Raiders
“I know I sometimes spell Carr with a K, and ONE R!”
The Wendy Hairdo of the Year
Odell Beckham, Jr., WR, New York Giants
“Nobody wears it like that. You’d be a damned fool to change it. It’s very becoming.”
The Gary Fogel “Good For You” Jack of the Year
Brian Urlacher, Retired MLB
Frustratingly dumped after blind date with Amber Rose.
The John Germaine “Does Everything” Award
Odell Beckham Jr., WR, New York Giants
Hot, Heavy, and NSFW.
The Mandelbaum “It’s Go Time” Award
Bud Grant, Former HC, Minnesota Vikings
89 Years old. Third Coldest Game in NFL history. No Jacket. World’s Greatest Coach Polo.
The Relationship Elaine “Hot Girlfriend Wearing Your Oversized Shirt” Award
Rob Gronkowski’s Girlfriend, Camille Kostek
You can have the paper, but she wants it back.
The Willard Tech Frustration of the Year Award
Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers/Microsoft Surface Tablet
The Mr. Heyman Nickname Candidate of the Year
Chandler Catanzaro, K, Arizona Cardinals
“CAN’T TANZ YA”
The Joel Horneck Male Unbonding Award
Chip Kelly, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles
Go be friends with the 49ers. They live like three houses down and have a Ping Pong Table.
The Sharon Award
Susie Sanchez, Cheer Leader, Oakland Raiders
“What am I? Some Pom-Pom waving bimbo who sues the team she used to cheer for?”
“Who are you describing?”
“Someone I know.”
“No, still Sus.”
The Neil Award
Brock Osweiler, QB, Denver Broncos
Peyton: Brock … I Win.
The Gene “Pick of the Year”
William Gay, CB, Pittsburgh Steelers
You could use a chuckle.
The Susan Ross “Can We Change the Subject?” Award
LA Football Drama
As yes, we found your love letters to John Cheever buried under the South Endzone of the Edward Jones Dome.
The Human Farfel Award
Johnny Manziel, QB, Backyard