(English Accent) I’m so Fan. See.

Star Whores (Fuck You, Fanboy)

So, finally, the greatest week in the history of America is here.

Star Wars, the Force Awakens premiere week!

Are you guys ready to have your Facebooks flooded with a bunch of, “It was pretty okay” posts?

Lord knows I am.

So are these losers.

I know all you Star Wars goons are stoked on Boba Flex and Lando Cal Ripken returning to the big screen, so I’ll take it easy on you this week and not beat you over the head with football (something real) too much.

Now, I’ll be honest with you: If you haven’t gotten the hint already: I’m not really a Star Wars guy. I mean, I once went on the ride Star Tours at Disney World Studios, but that’s because my parents made me. It was one of the most boring rides I’ve ever been on in my life. I even enjoyed being on carousels more, because as a boy you get that feeling in your mid-section that only boys know each time you dip down.

If you want to experience the boring horror scene that is Star Tours, lower your lap bars, keep your hands inside the vehicle, and press play.

I’ve always been a Jurassic Park guy myself. Dude, I fucking WORSHIP JP!

And the JP ride at Universal Studios is the REAL SHIT!

If Star Tours is watching two people have sex through a key hole, JP the Ride is participating in an orgy.

Brace yourself for greatness.

Have you ever noticed that every interactive movie ride at a theme park is a nice ride or tour where in the midst of it something goes Terribly Wrong? Think of a new fucking angle, ride people!

Okay, so back to me: Again, I’m a huge JP guy. I was pretty pleased with the first of the new installments, Jurassic World. I occasionally write Jurassic Park fan fiction and actually rewrote the ending to the latest installment to make it better. In my version, Vincent D’Onofrio only gets his arm ripped off by the Raptor (allow him to appear in the sequel), and our super villain, Indominus Rex, is NOT killed by the T-Rex in the end. She instead is attacked by the alpha Raptor, having her eye gouged out, and in a blinded frenzy falls in to the moat and drowns to death. This would nicely tie together two scenes: the symbolic opening scene where we watch Indominus Rex hatch, revealing the eye of the creature in a foreshadowing-style fashion.

And the second: the lengthy chase scene between Indominus Rex and the children, in which Rex stops short, afraid of the water.

The second installment of Jurassic World is not slated for release until 2018. We’ll probably all be dead by then, so I’ll admit, I’m going to get wrapped up in the Star Wars world to pacify myself.

Quite appropriately, many of us are at that time in the NFL season where our team (Jurassic Park, if you will) is out of the playoff hunt, and we have to jump on another team’s nuts (Star Wars) in order to keep this shit entertaining.

I’m a Broncos fan from here on out. I love Peyton Manning and want to see him get one last shot in what I believe will be his last NFL season. However, Peyton will HAVE to be at the helm for me to root for that team. Even though I think he’ll ultimately be a great talent, I will not get behind Brock Osweiler. It was announced yesterday that Manning, for the first time in over a month, has returned to practice with the team. There are three games left in the season, and even though Coach Gary Kubiak essentially will have both Manning and Osweiler set to play this week, it will depend on both players play in said games to decide who leads the playoff run. Here’s simply how it will break down.

BO gets the start this week against the Steelers.

If he plays well, BO gets the start next week against the Bengals.

If he doesn’t play well, PM gets the start next week against the Bengals.

Regardless, PM gets the start week 17 against the Chargers.

If he plays well, PM gets to lead the team into the playoffs.

If he plays decent enough, PM gets to lead the team into the playoffs.

If he plays poorly, BO is considered to take the helm and lead the team into the playoffs, but ultimately PM will still get the nod.

If Manning aggravates his foot injury in any way, BO gets to lead the team into the playoffs, and PM’s career is likely over.

Interesting storyline, if I do say so myself.

Now, my friend Kevin McComb, also a die-hard Bears fan, said he’s all in with Carolina for the rest of the season. Ex-Bears D-Coordinator Ron Rivera is coaching the hell out of the team. Also, ex-Bears Charles Tillman and Greg Olson are on the squad make Carolina the Chicago Bears Lite. I personally can’t cheer for the Panthers, because they once came in to Soldier Field and upset the Bears in a playoff game behind Jake Delhomme. I cried that day at Soldier Field. I was 19 years old.

Pick a side, all of you whose teams are out of it, and let’s make these final few weeks interesting.

And don’t you dare make fun of me for crying, Star Wars fans. We all know you’ll cry when that opening theme plays in the theater tonight.

Oh, by the way, Lupita Nyong’o didn’t even realize she was auditioning for Star Wars. Give us another reason to hate your ass.

The Adam West of Fanboys

Back in the ’90s, if you liked stuff that came from a comic book shop, you got your ass kicked by jocks.

Now in the year 2015, jocks like stuff from comic book shops.

So now, if you don’t like stuff from comic book shops, you now get your ass kicked by jocks.

Funny how that works.

These days, all the cool athletes that have connections fancy themselves as men with superhero alter-egos.

The Carolina Panthers have a Superman.

But did you know they also have a Batman?

I’m referring to cornerback Josh Norman, a zero-time Pro Bowler who is for some reason being classified as the best cornerback in the NFL right now. I personally beg to differ, but whatever. My opinion at the end of the day means nothing, unless I’m talking with clueless old people, in which case it means everything.

Now, Norman is in fact not the real Batman. We all know that’s Ben Carson. It’s more appropriate to say that Josh Norman has an obsession with, or “wants to fuck” Batman. Now we have to call him Batman, or he’ll cry and not eat his vegetables.

So it was no surprise that Norman got fired up when he heard that Giants receiver Odell Beckham, Jr. was rocking Joker cleats last Monday against the Miami Dolphins.

Miami Dolphins wideout Jarvis Landry actually wore Batman-style cleats during the warm-up, but he obviously doesn’t take his Batman obsession as personally as Norman.

This week, Norman and Beckham match up for 60 minutes of ball in Jersey. The Panthers take an undefeated record in, and the Giants are clinging to a hopes of a NFC East division win and a playoff berth.

I see Norman getting burned on the game-winning touchdown by OBJ. Or Norman will have a big play icing the game, and we’ll then have to hear him give an obnoxious promo in a Batman-esque voice to Erin Andrews.

Either way, this is MUST-WATCH Football. Don’t miss this game.

Sein-language, for Fanboys

Now obviously I just expressed my love for Jurassic Park above. But when it all shakes down, my love for Seinfeld trumps all things Dino.

Case in point: me and notable Rams fan Mike Buha’s presence at a Seinfeld Trivia night at the Chicago bar Reed’s Local Option this past Thursday. As I sat paralyzed in defeat (we came in second place out of 26 teams), the bar’s owner, Joel, was nice enough to come up to me and ask if I wanted him to put on the Thursday Night Football game. I nodded my head yes, as if he asked me if I wanted to pull the plug on my ailing grandparent.

I was pleased to see this amazing play to ice the game by non other than Dwight Freeney.

Freeney’s patient spin move, the move that put him on the map as one of the most feared DLs in the game in Indy, followed by a Larry Fitzgerald hug tackle.

If you are Carolina, who will have a smooth road all the way to the Super Bowl, take a long and hard look at this Arizona team, and proceed to think twice.

Are You There, Daniel? It’s Me, God (And I’m a fanboy of The Onion).

“Washington Redskins to change their name to less controversial Washington Skinheads.”

King of All Fanboys

The King of All Media, Howard Stern, announced this past week that he has re-signed with Sirius Satellite Radio for five more years.

Greatness like Stern’s is something that should be ridden until the wheels fall off.

I look at a guy like Tom Brady as the Howard Stern of the NFL. He’s still on top after all these years, and his game shows no signs of slowing.

But let’s take a look at Ben Roethlisberger for a second. We are in the midst of what I feel is the most prolific season from an offensive standpoint of Big Ben’s career. The Steelers have for the first time ever in the team’s existence scored 30+ points in a five-week span. Todd Haley, a coordinator I was certain would be run out of the Pittsburgh way before 2015, has added to Roethlisberger’s game. I’ve always liked the McDaniels/Brady OC/QB relationship in New England, but I think Haley and Ben’s relationship in Pitt may have them beat (at least this year). Plus, when you say their names together, it sounds like Halen and Roth. Pretty cool!

The NFL has learned over time that fresh arms don’t trump experience. If you can holster both qualities, you’ll never lose your job. Case in point, Brady and Ben.

You’ll also see that experience will help young gunslingers turn into standout QBs. Take Andy Dalton, who has finally turned a corner this season. Those playoff loses of Dalton’s ultimately will serve as learning experiences when he gets to the playoffs again. The late-season thumb injury he’s currently battling will also teach him something: the all-important art of playing through a minor injury late season when the chips are all in.

By the way, injury or not, Dalton is expected to win a playoff game this year. We are probably going to see Dalton and Co. play a first round Wild Card game at home. Cincy, in theory, should be able to manage the Chiefs or Jets. Much to the chagrin of the Bengals, the Steelers are lurking around that sixth seed, and essentially just have to win out in order to obtain said seed (they own a tiebreaker over the Jets).

If the Bengals draw the Steelers round one, they’ll be shaking in their boots, while the Steelers will be licking their chops. But maybe Cincy has to slay the Pittsburgh dragon before they can become the new kid in town?

Shout-out to Howard, and all those who age like Christie Brinkley in their respective professions.

I Look Like Vincent Gallo, So I Must Be a Fanboy of His

Remember the film Buffalo 69?

It’s the Porn version of the Vincent Gallo film Buffalo 66.

In the latter, a psychotic Buffalo native, played by Gallo, blames Buffalo Bills’ kicker Scott Norwood for the woes in his life, and attempts to assassinate him.

Been there (Rex Grossman).

I thought about this great film (and X-Tina Ricci voluptuousness) this week when I was watching the new ESPN 30 for 30 on the Buffalo Bills and their early ’90s run of four Super Bowl losses, entitled Four Falls of Buffalo.

This team is often heralded as the greatest team to never to win a Super Bowl. They had eight Hall of Famers, including Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith.

If we were to rank the greatest football teams since the NFL/AFL merger, the ’91 Bills would without question make the top 10, even without a Super Bowl win under their belt. They may even be top five. They were simply that good.

The documentary chronicles the reasons the team lost the two Super Bowls they were favored to win (Giants in ’90, and Skins in ’91) and their struggles with attempting to grind out SB wins against the Cowboys in ’92 and ’93.

Obviously, Kicker Scott Norwood missing a 47-yard field goal in ’90 is a heavy focus. What was heartfelt to see in the film is the warm welcome Norwood received upon returning to Buffalo post-miss. He was cheered, as opposed to tarred and feathered. Norwood redeemed himself a year later in the AFC playoffs which a huge game-winning kick in over time.

If there was one Super Bowl these Bills should have won, it would have probably been against the Redskins in ’91, a team that was most definitely overmatched. Mental errors and a lack of rhythm cost the Bills that game.

The second half of the film, chronicling the Dallas loss years, accurately portrays what it was like to grow up in the cynical, snarky time of the early ’90s, which I remember well. The losers weren’t cool. If you didn’t win, Fuck You, You Suck. For example, the Chicago Bears of the early ’90s. All the Chicago kids went around wearing Cowboys shit out here, which eventually became 49ers shit, which eventually became Bears shit when everyone in the late ’90s said, “Hey, I’m just gonna support MY team, win or lose.” A trend that is now commonplace in the NFL. This commonplace trend, actually, is what has directly caused the NFL’s raging hard-on of success over the last 15 years. When you have people selling out stadiums for teams with losing records and willfully supporting said teams, you can only imagine the support a winning team gets. It’s all-around good for business.

The second half of the documentary will make you sad as a 2015 sports fan. It portrays the media, rightfully so, as ultimately a shark for the Buffalo Bills. “What if you lose again?” was the question asked to them ad nauseum during Super Bowl week 1992. And of course they lost. By the time they got to the fourth Super Bowl, the media was like, “These losers again?” A team of losers containing eight Hall of Famers.

Parallel this to LeBron James six years ago, coming off of multiple NBA Finals losses with no championship to show for it. It seemed like everyone in basketball and the basketball media was pulling for LeBron all leading up to his first win. No one did that for the Bills.

Nowadays, we recognize the concept of careers being validated through championships. If you don’t get one, then that’s going to be a big problem for us once your career is over and we’re having a conversation in our basement on whether or not you were great.

My New Girlfriend Is a Fangirl of Me

I’ve been meaning to mention this for awhile, but the NFL’s most eligible bro is now dating someone. Sorry, ladies.

Rob Gronkowski is dating model Camille Kostek.

Now, she has a hankering for New England Patriots clothing, which is sort of a faux pas with the WAGs of the NFL. Do you ever see Gisele wear any Pats gear? Like anything? Her husband is the greatest Patriot of all time, and she’s still above wearing that shit.

Gronk’s girl is different. She actually had to wear Patriots shit for awhile because she was a Pats cheerleader. That’s how they met.

So Gronk has chosen to reenter high school and date the head cheerleader. Apparently, there’s a clause that cheerleaders can’t date players, because she had to move on from her job once they started dating. However, good for these two!

Prediction: Gronk’s bro mentality will ultimately lead to an elaborate proposal on the field of Super Bowl 50 if the Pats win it this year. It will probably unfold something like this.

Saved by Hell

And finally this week, why don’t I work in a little Saved by the Bell fandom to close this bitch out?

I’ll be honest with you: I am becoming unbelievably paranoid watching commercials during NFL games this year, to the point where I’m either leaving the room during a commercial break, or pressing mute and putting a pillow over my face.

And no, it’s not because I’m afraid of the abnormal amount of Viagra commercials fed to us weekly.

My main fear: Tori from Saved by the Bell.

Has anyone noticed that Tori, the leather jacket-wearing badass who replaced Kelly and Jesse in Saved by the Bell when they left for a couple seasons is in a million commercials now? It’s because she’s the new spokeswoman for AutoNation, an upstart company that rivals CarMax and bought out an insane amount of advertising on NFL TV.

It started with this one.

Then this one

And this one.

And this one.

Oh yeah, and this one.

and about 12 more.

My only explanation for the plethora of commercials featuring one actor behind this campaign is the company willingness to go full Boku with their push.

And we all know how that turned out:


Pick of the Week

Giants +4 over Carolina