Klandestine
This week, I — I mean, some anonymous person — hacked into a KKK database and exposed a bunch of KKK roaches across the United States: names, addresses, phone numbers, businesses, Facebook profiles, whathaveyou.
I was taken aback when reading the list in finding out that one of the guys was located in Park Ridge, IL, an affluent suburb about five miles away from me. Obviously, I drove by his house when I was in the neighborhood.
Haunting.
I’m bummed it wasn’t released before Halloween. Can you imagine the paranoia these people would have had with Trick or Treaters coming up to their door? They wouldn’t know if their door was getting rung by a kid looking for candy or a potential ambusher.
Frankly, I had completely forgotten about the KKK. They’re the Rex Grossman of society: Unless they’re out there doing shitty things, you forgot they exist.
Whether or not this list is real or fake, one thing’s for darn sure: Here in America, we don’t like secrets. If given the chance, we expose them, shame, and punish the parties involved.
The media did its own little bit of exposure this past week on the Indianapolis Colts and their QB Andrew Luck.
Back in Week 3, we witnessed a brutal pillow fight between Indy and Tennessee, resulting in Luck’s highly publicized shoulder injury. However, what we apparently DIDN’T know was that Luck ALSO cracked multiple ribs in that game.
Indy is now potentially facing a problem. Not properly reporting an injury on an injury report is against NFL policy. Multiple reports are coming out that Indy personnel knew of the injuries to his ribs, and the NFL is currently investigating to what extent all the parties knew about the rib injury. If it was a significant cover-up, Indy’s coaches and Luck himself may face suspension time, and the organization may be punishable by fines or even loss of draft pick.
While on the subject of disturbing lists and injuries, I have to address the NFL Week 8 injury report dropped this past Tuesday.
There were upwards of 50 reported injuries after this past week.
There were eight knee injuries, seven concussions, five shoulder injuries, two necks were broken, and one kidney exploded. There were hand injuries, foot injuries, toe injuries (different from feet injures), roughly seven players pronounced out for the season hours after injury, I almost choked a toothpick while watching the Jets/Raiders game, and oh yeah, someone almost died.
A career was most likely ended, actually. Steve Smith, Sr., who vowed he would retire after this season, tore his ACL and has more than likely played his last NFL snap. Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, star running back Le’Veon Bell ALSO tore his ACL, and is out for the season.
My favorite injury of the week came from Reggie Bush, who tore his ACL slipping and falling on concrete on the tail end of a run in St. Louis. This is the equivalent of a hockey player drowning during a game.
My only explanation for this injury week from hell is that everyone collectively agreed to not wear pads this week, OR everyone wants to get injured so they can go home.
My guess is the latter, considering the majority of these players were on losing teams.
Four Fuck’s Sake
Now let’s talk about some winning teams.
You gotta love Week 9 football, guys. Especially when we’ve got four — count them, four — undefeated teams in the league.
I’m going to go out on a limb and make a bold statement: After Week 9, we will only have one undefeated team in the league.
The first game I’m going to pick in actuality lacks any upset quality, even though we’re dealing with an undefeated team at home. The Carolina Panthers are a very good team. I’d even go as far as to say they are a great team. Cam Newton is slowly becoming one of the best players in football. A staggering stat with Newton’s career thus far is his rushing capabilities in the red zone. Newton is on pace to not only break, but shatter the record for rushing touchdowns by a quarterback (currently held by Hall of Famer Steve Young). He’s prolific at the position in that way. I also noticed something amazing about Newton this past week: He chews Carolina blue gum every game. What a badass.
That said, his defense is tired — case in point, the fourth quarter of this past week’s Monday Night game, where they allowed the Colts to put up 17 points and send the game to overtime. Aaron Rodgers will pick them apart easily, especially coming off of a loss against Denver.
On the subject of that fourth quarter of the Monday Night game, it finally appeared that Andrew Luck’s Colts offense had turned a corner. They lost yet another heartbreaker, but guess what? Come Tuesday morning, they were tied for first place in their division. Now it’s time to turn it on. What better way than to finally get a statement win against the Denver Broncos at home? The X Factor of this game will be the Colts offense. Tuesday morning, following a spotty game, offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton was fired. We’ve seen in history, most recently with the Miami Dolphins, how a coaching change can fire up a team. The Colts know they’ve under-produced and are better than what we’ve seen all year from them. Get ready for an old-school shootout, with Manning ultimately being bested by Luck. No harm, no foul for the Broncos, who face seven teams with losing records out of eight for the remaining of the season. The exception is the Pats at home Week 12.
The Pats are my chalk team this week when they play the Skins at home. I cannot fathom the Skins winning this game no matter how I slice it.
My sexy pick is the Browns upsetting the Bengals on Thursday Night Football tonight. This is the definition of a trap game for the Bengals. Johnny Manziel gets the start over the injured Josh McCown. I look for Duke Johnson to have a big game and the Browns to control the ball, keeping Andy Dalton off the field. The Browns absolutely have to keep Dalton off the field in order to win this game. Their best secondary players, Donte Whitner and Joe Haden, will both be inactive for this game. I’m mental for picking the Browns this week, I know, but I just feel it.
Are You There, God? It’s Me, God.
“I’m injured, bro. You’re in.”
Holes! I Need Holes!
Does anyone remember suspensions?
In the early 2000s, everyone would go to someone’s loft apartment. A crew of people, usually who worked at a tattoo parlor nearby, would show up with all these poles, ropes and slings and shit, and erect a structure in the middle of the loft.
Then, often a tattooed chick with a bunch of piercings would take off her shirt, revealing a corset and holes pierced through the loose skin on her back. Then someone, usually her equally pierced boyfriend, would place hooks in her back attached to ropes. Pretty Hate Machine would be blasted on a boom box while the crew would raise her and start swinging her back and forth in the middle of the party. Everyone at the party would get physically sick from watching it, except for the people behind it, who would get turned on by it, eventually retreating to a bedroom to have group sex.
The opposite of a suspension is apparently called a “rappel,” which happened for the first time ever at this Monday’s Panthers/Colts game. In the third quarter, a man and woman rappelled from the balcony seats on wires. While hovering, they released a banner protesting Bank of America’s funding of a company building a natural gas facility.
The protest worked, actually. The entire game was disrupted. The rappellers were mentioned several times during the broadcast my Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden. Once released from police custody, the perpetrators were interviewed and distinctly laid out what they were protesting in various facets of the press.
I’m all for peaceful protesting involving hacky-sacking and acoustic guitars. I’m also for rogue protests when they MTV VMAs are involved.
But this almost falls into a terroristic form of protest, which I can’t back, unless that back has holes in where hooks can fit, in which case I’m down.
Must-ache
In an interview with Scott Van Pelt on late-night SportsCenter this week, Rams’ Coach Jeff Fisher stated that he has had, and not shaved, his trademark mustache since 10th grade in high school.
I went to grade school with a bunch of eastern European girls, so this shit didn’t impress me at all.
Metal Not Up Your Half
Okay, so this is a metal magazine, right? Just kidding, it’s a hearing aid catalog. But let’s talk about heavy metal for a second anyway.
This week it was announced that Metallica would be playing this year’s Super Bowl. Don’t pop the cork yet, though. They’ll be playing the Super Bowl PRE-Party the night before, NOT the all-important and coveted halftime show.
I’ll preface this and say that I really don’t give a fuck about metal’s presence in mainstream culture, nor am I a Metallica superfan (even though I do love them), but this is a horrendous defeat for heavy metal culture, or whatever you want to call it.
The main reason I’m bummed is because whomever gets the opening slot on the Super Bowl is allowed to invite guests to perform with them. For example, remember when M.I.A. flipped us off for no reason? It was because Madonna invited her to perform.
It’s a pipe dream, but if Metallica ever gets the big slot, they should go all out and make it a total hard rock shitshow. Can you imagine Scott Stapp helping out on “Nothing Else Matters”? Or all nine members of Slipknot jumping in for the intro of “For Whom the Bell Tolls”? David Lee Roth would have to be there as well. What about Meat Loaf, who is for whatever reason popular again in hard rock circles?
Take Off Your Shirt. Stay Awhile.
And finally this week, worse fashion faux pas: Lisa Rena’s husband wearing a swastika shirt on Halloween…
…or Mike Ditka wearing a Packers sweater in a McDonald’s commercial?
I’d say Rena’s husband, by a collagen-injected lip.
Pick of the Week
Browns + a million over Cinci
