Low Culture: Sun & Fun Edition

It’s now the summer season, where half of you will make some joke that wasn’t funny the last seven years you told it about being a vampire that burns in the sun. It’s also festival season, where a majority of you go out to various places in packs and get shit-house drunk while not paying attention to any of the bands you claimed you wanted to see, yet be fully prepared to complain about the bands you didn’t like. I know—that’s me every year, too. I’ve decided to take a break from being negative and go into what makes the summer a magical time that we all look forward to. Just kidding—I’m going to cover some behavior that turns us into shit backpacks that become a burden to everyone around us.

As a culture, we’re a drinking bunch. Some of us do it because we’re social fuck-ups who can’t deal with being around others; some do it because we’re stressed and need to cut loose. And some of us do it because we can’t function in life without being insufferable to other people around us in the name of “partying.” I’m not judging anyone for their reasons, except that last bunch.

You know who you are, especially when you try to start a pit to whatever the sound man’s playing in between bands. Or when you yell in between songs trying to overtake the band as the center of attention while spilling your drink on whatever unfortunate soul got stuck babysitting you (side note: sorry everyone who was with me at MDF last year). Whatever the case, you’re not adding anything to the atmosphere except a lot of people who want to throttle you, but are afraid to throw a punch because you’re acting like you’re disabled and no one wants to hit that guy—there’s laws against that. I’m not throwing on a Minor Threat shirt and telling you not to drink, but as that asshole who’s blacked out during the band they wanted to see, only to come to for the most overrated bullshit at a fest and remembering that above all, I’m speaking from experience. Act like you’ve been there before and try not to puke in someone’s bushes. I guess that counts for most things in life.

You’ve got a cute gimmick you can’t wait to share with everyone? I have a great suggestion: please fucking don’t. Masks, outfits, etc.—just stop. Maybe this is more of a personal bias than a general etiquette rule, but any time I see someone who does this shit, all it does is tell me your mother drove you here, but didn’t hug you enough. Much like most of America’s celebrities, you’re trying to gain attention for doing absolutely nothing, and in some asinine way, you think you’re as important—if not more so—than the show people paid money to see. Fuck off and try to get people to like you for your glaringly shit personality and not because you bought some farm animal suit a child shit in at a thrift store on November 1.

I’ve covered this before, but guys, stop being creeps to women at these things. This isn’t social justice—this is just common decency, and when you’re following a lady around stinking of desperation and pre-cum, there’s nothing attractive about it. Groping and “accidental” touching are not fucking acceptable. You’ll find you might go further by being a human being instead of a walking cliché out of some teen comedy. I can hear some of you calling me a “fag” from your parents’ basement, or white knight, or whatever you like, but fuck you. Be a decent person for once in your life. Not all women come to fests for your bullshit; some of them actually care about the bands. Probably more than you do.

For everyone else: enjoy the season and try not to get arrested.