So, That Lords of Chaos Movie Is Finally Actually Happening…

…according to Variety. It appears they failed to take our casting advice from nearly TEN YEARS AGO. The issue’s sold out, so for your viewing pleasure, we resurrect “Cast Iron: Decibel thinks these Hollywood stars are ready for their grim and frostbitten close-up.” 

They may have handled the Paradise Lost documentaries with grim aplomb, but this project was clearly too frostbitten for Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky. Yes, kvltists, Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground is getting the feature film treatment this (what else?) winter. Although no-name longhair casting is surely already well underway, here’s our wish list for the principal players, just in case the producers break the bank on this heartwarming, feel-good blockbuster:

Bård “Faust” Eithun – Brad Pitt

Not only are their first names anagrams, but nothing screams “totally heterosexual woodlands murderer” like Pitt’s Legends of the Fall tresses. 

Varg Vikernes – Jon Heder

Surely eager to avoid typecasting, the Napoleon Dynamite star could really get his prominent lower jaw into fascism and cold-blooded skull-stabbing. 

Euronymous – Jack Black

If he can slim down (kind of) for King Kong, he can slim down (kind of) for Euronymous. 

Samoth – Skeet Ulrich

Dashing mustachioed looks behind peekaboo locks. Johnny Depp would take over the proceedings; we’ll take the reclusive, cheaper Scream slayer. 

Dead – Hilary Swank

She’s adept at being mannish; he’s, um, svelte. Hello, “courageous” casting. Plus, exposed brain matter = slam dunk for Oscar #3.

Hellhammer – Lou Diamond Phillips

Much love to Australian metal site Western Front for the inspiration on this one.

Ihsahn – DJ Qualls

The goofy beanpole from Road Trip and The New Guy is itching to break into serious cinema. 

Snorre Ruch – Kevin Spacey (uncredited)

What better story for a reprisal of his creepy sidekick Verbal Kint persona?