…according to Variety. It appears they failed to take our casting advice from nearly TEN YEARS AGO. The issue’s sold out, so for your viewing pleasure, we resurrect “Cast Iron: Decibel thinks these Hollywood stars are ready for their grim and frostbitten close-up.”
They may have handled the Paradise Lost documentaries with grim aplomb, but this project was clearly too frostbitten for Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky. Yes, kvltists, Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground is getting the feature film treatment this (what else?) winter. Although no-name longhair casting is surely already well underway, here’s our wish list for the principal players, just in case the producers break the bank on this heartwarming, feel-good blockbuster:
Bård “Faust” Eithun – Brad Pitt
Not only are their first names anagrams, but nothing screams “totally heterosexual woodlands murderer” like Pitt’s Legends of the Fall tresses.
Varg Vikernes – Jon Heder
Surely eager to avoid typecasting, the Napoleon Dynamite star could really get his prominent lower jaw into fascism and cold-blooded skull-stabbing.
Euronymous – Jack Black
If he can slim down (kind of) for King Kong, he can slim down (kind of) for Euronymous.
Samoth – Skeet Ulrich
Dashing mustachioed looks behind peekaboo locks. Johnny Depp would take over the proceedings; we’ll take the reclusive, cheaper Scream slayer.
Dead – Hilary Swank
She’s adept at being mannish; he’s, um, svelte. Hello, “courageous” casting. Plus, exposed brain matter = slam dunk for Oscar #3.
Hellhammer – Lou Diamond Phillips
Much love to Australian metal site Western Front for the inspiration on this one.
Ihsahn – DJ Qualls
The goofy beanpole from Road Trip and The New Guy is itching to break into serious cinema.
Snorre Ruch – Kevin Spacey (uncredited)
What better story for a reprisal of his creepy sidekick Verbal Kint persona?