Nightmares about my nonexistent children being killed by a falling flatscreen. Thanks, Super Bowl commercial.
Season in Hell
So, it’s several days after the big game. The dust has settled. We’ve watched every obnoxious and sad self-filmed fan reaction to Malcolm Butler’s miraculous end zone interception that the internet has to offer.
I don’t think it was the best Super Bowl ever, as a lot of fans have said this past week. But I will say this: Could we have asked for a more fitting Super Bowl? It was every bit as dramatic as the regular season. God, this season was like giving birth, wasn’t it? Ray Rice. Adrian Peterson. What about Jim Harbaugh leaving the NFL with his tail between his legs? Deflategate. The ending to the Packers/Seahawks game. Luck taking down Manning. It was like this year was scripted by the writers who wrote Dallas in the ’80s. Super Bowl 49 was where our metaphoric J.R. was shot.
Here’s a few things I want to note that I feel have been neglected by the mainstream sports media who make millions more than I do for doing this shit.
Madden: Real and Spectacular
Well, the technological video game police state of America has officially arisen and taken over. Madden (the video game), for the first time ever, predicted the exact score of the Super Bowl to the number (New England 28, Seattle 24), officially making it the smartest football brain in the world.
Does anyone else find it ironic that more people take the Madden video game seriously, at this point, than John Madden himself, who has 50 years of playing, coaching, analysis, food and cigarette-smoking experience to his name? You have been rendered obsolete, Mr. Madden. Goodbye.
Will the REAL Kate Hudson Please Give America an Erection?
Katy Perry (real name Kate Hudson) graced us with her presence at the halftime show this year. Couple things: When Perry shows up somewhere and looks hot, can America stop saying “Russell Brand fucked up” in reference to him leaving Perry several years ago? We don’t know what happened behind closed doors. She could have beaten him. She could have been a crackhead. WE DON’T KNOW!
I’d be nice if marriages could exist on attraction alone. But we all know other things come into play, like breast size. And that’s one department where Perry is obviously lacking. Speaking of which, can dudes stop commenting on Katy Perry’s breasts? We get it, they’re huge! Same thing with Anna Nicole Smith, Kate Upton, etc.. I’m from the Midwest. Dudes here are fucking obsessed with huge tits and asses! I gotta deal with that shit every day. Like what you like; I don’t need the commentary.
Also, I’m kind of frustrated at the NFL turning the halftime show in to one big jerk-off sesh for crusty old men. You should have seen these old dudes I was at a bar with two years ago during the halftime show when Beyonce performed. They were staring at the TV salivating like they were in prison and saw Clarice Starling walk by. I’m sure Taylor Swift will do the halftime show next year and come out in a 1950s bathing suit that will remind all these old dudes of, well, the 1950s. And isn’t that at the end of the day really what all old guys want?
Time: Of the Essence
We all know at this point that the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl. They shouldn’t have. It all worked out for them in the end, but I think it’s important to address something that seemingly no one has addressed since their victory: horrible clock management on the Pats coaching staff’s part.
On the Seahawks’ last drive, the Patriots had all three of their timeouts. There was a miraculous, David Tyree-style catch from Jermaine Kearse, which made Tom Brady look like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day on Day 3.
As much as you don’t want to, you are now defending a first and goal situation with less than two minutes left. You have to start using your timeouts defensively. The Pats allowed Marhsawn Lynch to rip off a nine-yard run, not calling a timeout afterward. The odds of the Seahawks scoring a touchdown on the one-yard line were in the 99% range. You have to call timeout in that situation to preserve time for your gamer QB to drive down the field, attempting to get in field goal range for Stephen Gostkowski to send it in to OT.
Instead, the clock kept rolling, and I begin to pull my hair out, because I’m about to lose hundreds of dollars, because I bet on the Patriots.
Then the infamous play call from hell happened. As for said play call, yes, I too feel it was the worst play call in the history of sports. It’s sad, but that play actually doesn’t tell us a lot about Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks and who they are (as one would expect), but about Bill Belichick’s New England Patriots and who they are. Belichick forces opposing coaching staffs to be insanely cerebral when facing him, many times to an uncomfortable level. This is why he has such a staggering record against coaches in his career that are flashes in the pan. He mentally beats them. Carroll shat on himself with that play call because he was obviously thinking about how Belichick would defend said play. He was certain that Belichick would slam the goal line defending the run, thus throwing the ball would be the best option. However, throwing the ball on the one-yard line is NEVER the best option. That’s Football 101 for ya.
Seattle fans: I know that almost a week’s gone by and it still hurts, like when you lost your virginity. I would have jumped off a ledge if I was you. I feel for you guys.
As for Carroll, frankly, if he didn’t win a Super Bowl last year, the 12th Man would have called for his head this offseason, and he would have been run out of Seattle.
Sadly for Carroll, he has used up his Bad Play Call card in the eyes of the fans and Seattle media for the rest of his days there. The gloves are off from now on.
Also, don’t be surprised if a couple players on his team start turning against him over time and look to jump ship. Super Bowls validate not only careers, but players’ lives as well. Carroll, who took sole responsibility for the play call in question, literally threw a life-changing event away with a nonsensical, too-cool-for-school call.
And yes, I do not have the Seahawks making the playoffs next year. It’s Arizona’s division to lose now. This stench will stick with the ‘like a lingering skunk smell after a doctor-recommended tomato bath.
Bye, For Now
So, this concludes Encrotchment for the 2014-2015 football season.
For better or for worse, this was without a doubt the most controversial football season in the history of the NFL, and I’m glad I got to narrate it for you every step of the way.
I’d like to thank Andrew Bonazelli (Jets fan) and Albert Mudrian (Eagles fan) from Decibel for allowing me to do this and, most importantly, never censoring or stifling any of my outlandish and nonsensical opinions.
I’d like to thank the plethora of dudes in bands I’ve interviewed over this season, who gave me great perspectives of the teams they love, a lot of which while on the road and hung over out of their minds.
Most of all, I’d like to thank you guys and gals for reading. It was an honor and privilege for many of you to invite me into your homes via your computer screen on a weekly basis.
Assuming Decibel renews my contract, I will be seeing you a week before next season starts to give you my picks for the upcoming year ahead.
Until then, Cubs 2015.