Why do they call it football?
A first down is 10 yards.
The field is 100 yards.
They should call it yardball.
After an amazing 2014-2015 season, we have reached our final episode. The final game of Ink-a-dink. All your favorites characters are coming back.
What better way to analyze our season and give rewards to the captains, casers and czars of the league than, you guessed it, Seinfeld-themed awards!
So sit back, get a big glass of Ovaltine, and get ready for the first-ever 2014-2015 NFeLd Awards
The Jerry Seinfeld How Can Anyone Not Like Him? Award
Andrew Luck, QB, Indianapolis Colts
Leads team to road playoff win over his own personal Lloyd Braun.
He’s very very good man.
The George Costanza Twix Moment of the Year
Dez Bryant, WR, Dallas Cowboys
Jerry: How was that not a catch?
Dez: Maybe it’s because this whole universe is against me?!
The Elaine Benes “Get Out”er of the Year
J.J. Watt, DE, Houston Texans
Shoves people down. Refrains from dancing afterward (thankfully).
The Cosmo Kramer Hipster Doofus Award
Colin Kaepernick, QB, San Francisco 49ers.
…and by the way, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me.
The Joe Davola Kicker of the Year
Adam Vinatieri, K, Indianapolis Colts
You’re under no obligation to shake his hand, but make sure you wear your helmet around him.
The Marty Benson Coach of the Year Award
Pete Carroll, HC, Seattle Seahawks
He’s old. It’s cold. If we win, don’t pour Gatorade on him.
The Del Boca Vista Award Lifetime Achievement Award
Steve Smith, Sr., WR, Baltimore Ravens
Only competition is common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
The Jerk Store Comeback of the Year Award
James Harrison, LB, Pittsburgh Steelers
Came out of retirement just to zing a guy.
The Mike Moffat Phony of the Year Award
Jim Harbaugh, HC, San Francisco 49ers/Michigan Wolverines
Leaves the good parking spot in the good neighborhood of San Francisco. Pulls in HEAD FIRST in to a parking spot in Michigan.
The Brentano’s Swarm Award
The Seattle Seahawks defense
When they see your uncle caring the ball, it’s the equivalent of having a 5150 in progress. All units respond.
The Ithaca, NY Jerry Seinfeld Award
The Dallas Cowboys
8-0 on the road in the regular season this year. Road is a MAGOR DETAIL!
The Kramerica Industries “Darin” Assistant of the Year Award
Josh McDaniels, OC, New England Patriots
Sometimes doesn’t wear hooded sweatshirt on sidelines. Kid’s still learning.
The Love the Drake Award
Stuart Scott, Broadcaster
We’d go to your wedding even if it was on the same day as the Super Bowl. RIP.
The Hate the Drake Award
Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore Ravens
Punches Drakette in elevator. He better give us that big screen TV back.
The Jackie Chiles Defendant of the Year Award
Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota Vikings
Susie, call O.J. Simpson. I need to borrow a glove. Tell him it’s for me.
The Jean Paul Jean Paul Snooze of the Year Award
Jonas Gray, RB, New England Patriots
Offends the wakeup guy. Sleeps in and misses the big practice.
The Coco the Monkey Nickname Award
“Pot Roast” Terrance Knighton, DT, Denver Broncos
No T-Bone, but we’ll take it.
The Becky Gelke “You’re So Good Looking” Award
Aaron Rodgers’ Girlfriend, Olivia Munn
The Brunette with the Green Sweatpants!
The H.E. Pennypacker “I’m Gonna Be a Rich Man” Award
Russell Wilson, QB, Seattle Seahawks
Will have enough money to open silver mine in the mountains of Peru, after this offseason.
The Rava Award
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Seattle Seahawks
A major young football talent, but should be out on a ledge somewhere.
The Shrinkage Award
Wes Welker, WR, Denver Broncos
Went from 10 touchdowns last year to 2 this year. Significant shrinkage!
The Schmoopy Award
Joe Buck and Aaron Rodgers
No, you’re Schmoopy!
The “That’s Gotta Hurt” Award
Carson Palmer, QB, Arizona Cardinals
Tears ACL and MCL in same game. Fan shines laser pointer on him from stands.
The “You Faked With Me?” Award
Jeff Fisher, HC, St. Louis Rams
Jerry: The punt? The field goal? The kickoff? The cointoss?
Jeff: Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.
The Menage a Trois Award
Rex Ryan, HC, New York Jets/Buffalo Bills
First, coach a team into beyond repair disarray.
Then, go to a borderline playoff team in the same division asking for a coaching job.
The old team will want nothing to do for you, and say, “If you want to waste your time with that loser, that’s your problem.”
It’s the perfect plan.
The Snoopy and Prickly Pete Award
Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston
We’ve heard they exist, but we’ll believe it when we see them.
We go on foot from here.
The Cotton Dockers Most Annoying Commercial Aired During Games Award
The Rob Lowe Direct TV commercials
If you’re dating a girl who likes these, dump her.
The Susan Ross “Can We Change the Subject” Award
Johnny Manziel, QB, Cleveland Browns