Encrotchment With Eddie Gobbo of Jar’d Loose: NFeLd Awards

Why do they call it football?
A first down is 10 yards.

The field is 100 yards.

They should call it yardball.

After an amazing 2014-2015 season, we have reached our final episode. The final game of Ink-a-dink. All your favorites characters are coming back.

What better way to analyze our season and give rewards to the captains, casers and czars of the league than, you guessed it, Seinfeld-themed awards!

So sit back, get a big glass of Ovaltine, and get ready for the first-ever 2014-2015 NFeLd Awards

The Jerry Seinfeld How Can Anyone Not Like Him? Award


Andrew Luck, QB, Indianapolis Colts

Leads team to road playoff win over his own personal Lloyd Braun.

He’s very very good man.

The George Costanza Twix Moment of the Year


Dez Bryant, WR, Dallas Cowboys

Jerry: How was that not a catch?

Dez: Maybe it’s because this whole universe is against me?!

The Elaine Benes “Get Out”er of the Year


J.J. Watt, DE, Houston Texans

Shoves people down. Refrains from dancing afterward (thankfully).

The Cosmo Kramer Hipster Doofus Award


Colin Kaepernick, QB, San Francisco 49ers.

…and by the way, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me.

The Joe Davola Kicker of the Year


Adam Vinatieri, K, Indianapolis Colts

You’re under no obligation to shake his hand, but make sure you wear your helmet around him.

The Marty Benson Coach of the Year Award


Pete Carroll, HC, Seattle Seahawks

He’s old. It’s cold. If we win, don’t pour Gatorade on him.

The Del Boca Vista Award Lifetime Achievement Award


Steve Smith, Sr., WR, Baltimore Ravens

Only competition is common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

The Jerk Store Comeback of the Year Award


James Harrison, LB, Pittsburgh Steelers

Came out of retirement just to zing a guy.

The Mike Moffat Phony of the Year Award


Jim Harbaugh, HC, San Francisco 49ers/Michigan Wolverines

Leaves the good parking spot in the good neighborhood of San Francisco. Pulls in HEAD FIRST in to a parking spot in Michigan.

The Brentano’s Swarm Award


The Seattle Seahawks defense

When they see your uncle caring the ball, it’s the equivalent of having a 5150 in progress. All units respond.

The Ithaca, NY Jerry Seinfeld Award


The Dallas Cowboys

8-0 on the road in the regular season this year. Road is a MAGOR DETAIL!

The Kramerica Industries “Darin” Assistant of the Year Award


Josh McDaniels, OC, New England Patriots

Sometimes doesn’t wear hooded sweatshirt on sidelines. Kid’s still learning.

The Love the Drake Award


Stuart Scott, Broadcaster

We’d go to your wedding even if it was on the same day as the Super Bowl. RIP.

The Hate the Drake Award


Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore Ravens

Punches Drakette in elevator. He better give us that big screen TV back.

The Jackie Chiles Defendant of the Year Award


Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota Vikings

Susie, call O.J. Simpson. I need to borrow a glove. Tell him it’s for me.

The Jean Paul Jean Paul Snooze of the Year Award


Jonas Gray, RB, New England Patriots

Offends the wakeup guy. Sleeps in and misses the big practice.

The Coco the Monkey Nickname Award


“Pot Roast” Terrance Knighton, DT, Denver Broncos

No T-Bone, but we’ll take it.

The Becky Gelke “You’re So Good Looking” Award


Aaron Rodgers’ Girlfriend, Olivia Munn

The Brunette with the Green Sweatpants!

The H.E. Pennypacker “I’m Gonna Be a Rich Man” Award

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Russell Wilson, QB, Seattle Seahawks

Will have enough money to open silver mine in the mountains of Peru, after this offseason.

The Rava Award


Marshawn Lynch, RB, Seattle Seahawks

A major young football talent, but should be out on a ledge somewhere.

The Shrinkage Award


Wes Welker, WR, Denver Broncos

Went from 10 touchdowns last year to 2 this year. Significant shrinkage!

The Schmoopy Award


Joe Buck and Aaron Rodgers

No, you’re Schmoopy!

The “That’s Gotta Hurt” Award


Carson Palmer, QB, Arizona Cardinals

Tears ACL and MCL in same game. Fan shines laser pointer on him from stands.

The “You Faked With Me?” Award


Jeff Fisher, HC, St. Louis Rams

Jerry: The punt? The field goal? The kickoff? The cointoss?

Jeff: Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.

The Menage a Trois Award


Rex Ryan, HC, New York Jets/Buffalo Bills

First, coach a team into beyond repair disarray.

Get fired.

Then, go to a borderline playoff team in the same division asking for a coaching job.

The old team will want nothing to do for you, and say, “If you want to waste your time with that loser, that’s your problem.”

It’s the perfect plan.

The Snoopy and Prickly Pete Award


Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston

We’ve heard they exist, but we’ll believe it when we see them.

We go on foot from here.

The Cotton Dockers Most Annoying Commercial Aired During Games Award


The Rob Lowe Direct TV commercials

If you’re dating a girl who likes these, dump her.

The Susan Ross “Can We Change the Subject” Award


Johnny Manziel, QB, Cleveland Browns