NFL PREVIEW 2013: Early Graves on the Oakland Radiers

by Chris Brock, Early Graves
Oh, the Oakland Raiders. What a fucking terrible year they had last year, and this year isn’t looking much better. Unlike their Coliseum-sharing pals, the A’s, they have had no luck in turning a totally shit roster into something golden. Instead, we fans have another painful year to watch under coach Dennis Allen (who I am not sure is actually a human being), a GM who looks lost, confused and hungry most of the time, and an owner with perhaps the worst haircut (bowl cut) of all time in Mark Davis. He has that weird skin-peeling thing like his dad, too. Yucky fucking dude. Who married Mark Davis? At least he isn’t Mark Sanchez.

Gone is CEO Amy Trask, the first female NFL executive, aptly dubbed “Princess of Darkness.” Gone is QB Carson Palmer, who racked up a bunch of fantasy numbers in garbage time, and cost the Raiders high draft picks basically going into the 2150 season. Gone is Darren McFadden. Well, he is technically on the team still, but he will inevitably get hurt by Week 3, then sign with the first team that offers him a contract in the offseason. Let’s see, who else is gone? Oh, everyone you have ever heard of, which isn’t saying much since they were has-beens by the time they got to Oakland anyways. Instead, we have an O-line assembled like a MacGyver gadget that didn’t work, a receiving core that’s undersized and under-talented, and aging cornerback-turned-safety Ron Woodson. Don’t get me wrong—I’m stoked to bust out the Woodson 24 jersey I have had since high school—but let’s face it: his playing is as outdated as the Reebok jersey, and the fact that I’m considering wearing it like Kerry King wore his Bo Jackson one in the ’90s. It’s a good look that only Raiders fans understand.

Speaking of aging history, Bay Area television has nothing good to say about the Raiders either, so they keep replaying the illustrious “Tuck Rule” game, and I am immediately dragged back to memories of, for the first time in my life, being completely drunk on absolute hatred for Tom Brady. What a pathetic game, but more pathetic is that I continue to watch the replay every time it’s on, and most pathetic is that I still am hung up on a decade-old game that the Raiders lost and can’t let it go. It was a fucking fumble, Tommy, and Walt Coleman, you are a fucking dickhead. Wow I am pathetic. Maybe I can make the Raiders 53-man roster? What do you say Reggie?

It’s Week 3 of the preseason as I write this. I can only hope that some no-name on the Raiders injures a Chief, Charger, Bronco or Patriot (fuck the Tuck Rule forever) and helps fuck up their playoff chances. That’s a player I can get behind. I am looking at you Nick Roach.

Hope? Nope. Literally the only thing I can hope for is that the crosstown rival 49ers don’t win a Super Bowl. I don’t want to fucking hear it. On the bright side, at least they aren’t the Jets, who are the most pathetic team in football. (Sorry, Andrew, but you know it’s true). It’s going to be at the very least funny to see Matt Flynn get knocked around for two games and replaced by the last man drafted by Al Davis, Terrelle Pryor. Hey, he’s looked OK in preseason–maybe we have a chance?