Pilot Season

Right now, television networks are picking up a bunch of pilots to shove into our eyesockets come September. This year, though, there is a difference – a weirdly large number of metal-themed reality shows. I feel it is my duty to report on some of the more promising entries.

Storage War Ensemble

In this spinoff of the popular Storage Wars franchise, entrepreneurs raid the storage units of metal bands in the hopes of finding buried treasure they can resell on eBay. In the episode previewed, fierce competition erupts over the contents of a recently unearthed storage locker from Motorhead’s 1979 Bomber tour. Items bid on include Lemmy’s mustache trimmers, a bottle of guitarist “Fast” Eddie Clark’s urine, and the remarkably well-preserved body of a forgotten roadie. A & E, Tuesdays at 9 PM.

Amon Amarth

Johan Hegg’s Fuck Reservations, I’m Drunk and Scandinavian

In the pilot of this travel show, Amon Amarth vocalist Johan Hegg journeys to Paris, where he visits one of the city’s fine wineries and consumes an entire barrel of what he’s pretty sure is Cabernet. He then stumbles/crashes his way into the tony Le Meurice restaurant in a Municipal Waste T-Shirt, refuses to leave until they serve him, and gorges himself on the most delectable food the City of Lights has to offer. After slurring his thoughts on it, he pukes on the owner’s dog and skips out on the check. Travel Channel, Sundays at 10 PM.

iced earth

Rock “Star:” Iced Earth

Washed-up and desperate metal singers compete to become the next vocalist of heavy power metal act Iced Earth. Notoriously mercurial guitarist/songwriter Jon Schaffer puts the competitors through a series of tasks, including cleaning the rifles at his Civil War Museum, writing essays about how the Federal Reserve has destroyed America, and braiding his hair. Contestants include original Pantera vocalist Terry Glaze, former Iced Earth singer Tim “Ripper” Owens in a fake mustache to disguise his identity, and Johan Hegg, who seems to be under the impression that he’s in a bar in Copenhagen. VH1 Classic, Saturdays at 8 PM.


Late Night with Oderus Urungus

The affable GWAR frontman broadcasts this talkshow from his home base in Antarctica, welcoming guests to his intimate parlor and having in-depth, thought-provoking conversations with them about their lives and accomplishments. His first guests include celebrated artist Peter Max, avant-garde musician John Zorn, and poet laureate Philip Levine. Musical Guest: GWAR. IFC, weeknights at 11 PM.


Varg’s Jew Hunters and Jew Hunters International

If Vince Neil and Michael Vick can get their own reality shows, why not metal’s favorite homicidal, sociopathic white supremacist ? I’m told I’ll be making an appearance later in the season! HGTV, weeknights at 10 PM.