So, for the record we don’t in any way endorse actual drinking and driving. That’s just stupid. However, the geniuses at Dream Arcades have invented a machine that we heartily endorse getting wrecked while using.
It has been our experience that the addition of beer to most things makes them better. Except driving. Did we mention that? Drinking beer does not make driving or operating heavy machinery better. But pretty much everything else, if a cold one is at the ready, it is that much better. Now maybe that’s just the beer talking, but if you can think of one thing that isn’t improved by the addition of beer, we’d like to hear it.
Let’s say you’re relaxing at home playing your favorite video game and, poof, there’s a tap of your favorite brew right next to your, uh, joystick. That’d be OK, right? Well, get ready to spend the best $6k you’ll ever fork over in your life. The Dream Arcades Octane 120 is, according to the press release, “a high-end gaming PC, full driving controls and a beer tap in one unit! [It] comes loaded with a dozen driving sims, an HD projector for wall display, a fully adjustable steering wheel and seat, dual motor force feedback and variable resistance on the pedals.” In addition to the driving sims, it comes loaded with more than a hundred classic video games.
You can load this two-tap bad boy up with either two five-gallon kegs or one half-barrel keg. (We recommend Bear Republic Racer X, or Alesmith Speedway Stout). There’s a tap in the back and an “in-dash” one right by your stick shift, so you don’t even have to move your lazy ass when you want more beer. And we can assure you, based on our own highly scientific research, that you will become more proficient at all the included games, better looking and generally more suave and attractive to the opposite sex the more you drink while playing these games.
So, that’s it then, right? Own one of these and you really won’t have to worry about drinking and driving ever again, because you’ll pretty much stop leaving your house anyway. Just get your local beer distributor to add you to his/her route and get all your food delivered. Dude, you’re set. Just don’t forget to renew your subscription to Decibel (we recommend the two-year option).