COMMERCIAL BREAKDOWN: When metal dudes go sell your shit

Yeah, the real world sure does suck. The bottom line is forever letting the wolves off the leash and if they don’t end up clawing at your door they’ll sure as hell shit on your lawn. The only way out is money. And in this business, the uncomfortable truth is that, ultimately, in a roundabout way, it is the advertising dollar that puts the food on the table.
But so what? It’s no so degrading. We’ve done worse, probably, and no one at the Deciblog has gone moonlighting to sell sunflower spread to housewives, or dressed up as Tony the Tiger and gone pushing Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes store-to-store—at least, not yet. There’s gotta be a reason for this, and it sure isn’t integrity [if any breakfast cereal manufacturers wanna hit me up, be advised that I’ll wear that suit for 50 bucks per day but insist on daily allowance of one family sized box of the sponsor’s product].

Perhaps it’s ‘cos the advertisers prefer a face, someone to pin their brand to, celebrity kudos…. All that shit, and who’d want a deciblogger for that? With that in mind, why don’t metal bands start pitching themselves for TV ad spots? They have done it before; the business model for music is famously fucked anyhow, and to be honest, gurning with a can of soda isn’t as bad as selling out the jams (if selling-out was even possible or worth it in this everything-for-free age).

Setting aside the fact that companies such as Scion A/V are giving the underground scene a shot in the arm by at least throwing some money into it, a short trawl YouTube reminds us that metal guys can do commerce. Yeah, Gene Simmons, CEO of multinational rock conglomerate and occasional bassist, might have taken the commercialization of music making to a degree level but surely some alpha hesher like Matt Pike could be the new face of Heineken with few objections from the Hall. So long as the casting’s tight and there’s no repeat of Ozzy taking Corpsegrinder’s rightful place as the face of World of Warcraft, what’s the worst that could happen? Anyway, here are just a few examples of the potential escape route from skid row for all bands slumming it on macaroni and no cheese.

We’d post the awful KISS Wal-Mart commercial but that’s a step too far. That silly ol’ goat Gene Simmons supping on Dr Pepper though, we can just about live with that.

Giving credence to the argument that says that prolonged use of corpsepaint can finetune your commercial sence, is ad-slut and self-decapitator Alice Cooper, pushing a neat line in stationery and hotel rooms.

Iron Maiden’s “Phantom of the Opera” sold Lucozade but their road safety campaign was more on the money, and proved what most of us suspected all along: only crash test dummies could get down to No Prayer for the Dying

Mastodon maverick Brent Hinds selling pharmaceuticalsand doing yoga was pretty funny and all, so too Suffocation’s spot for the History Channel but if you’re looking for someone to take the lead in the balancing act of artistic integrity and hawking shit to the masses, let Judas Priest be thy guide.
Sparkomatic car stereos:
Plus the hugely underrated Turbo (for which our very own Adrien Begrand batted for when justifying our shitty taste was all the rage) brought out the best in self-promotion from the Metal Gods.

“Stop on the red, cross on the green, never take a ride in a stranger’s machine” … Now that’s wisdom you can’t buy.