Welcome to The Five Days of Deciblog Christmas, in which we corral your favorite extreme heroes into revealing embarrassing and hilarious holiday anecdotes. Consider it free bonus footage as you prepare to give Amazon half your paycheck because you’re too lazy to support local businesses. After the jump, day three gets down to business with “The Best Record to Honor the Birth of Baby Jesus.”
JUSTIN SMITH, GRAF ORLOCK
Born Against, Nine Patriotic Hymns for Children
This 1991 celebration of yuletide feelings featured such pro-orthodox hits as “Mary and Child (My Life as a Fetus),” “Organ of Hope” and “Well Fed Fuck,” engendering a sarcastic discussion on the sanctity of ridiculous Christian customs and 1980s conservative politics. The layout is peppered with mocked incarnations of Jesus-y imagery, culminating in what appears to be several airborne saviors on the cross, which later came to typify Born Against’s cut-and-paste clip art aesthetic to the chagrin of everyone who happened to lay their eyes on it. Never ones to put controversy to rest, this record still stands 20 years later as a testament to what happens when snide, reasonably informed people meet handicapped normals’ ideas of what it is to believe in something. A+.
MATTHEW WIDENER, LIBERTEER
George Crumb’s Black Angels, because a trip through Hell is the best way to give the finger to the Savior on his birthday.
JEREMY WAGNER, BROKEN HOPE/LUPARA, author of THE ARMAGEDDON CHORD
Definitely the Broken Hope album, Loathing. Not only do you have wonderful songs about Siamese twins, incest-necrophilia and auctioning dead people; you also have songs that “honor” God and Baby Jesus. Songs like “I Am God” and the classic, “He Was Raped,” which is all about Jesus being gang-raped by fellow inmates in a Roman prison before He is crucified. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ALISSA WHITE-GLUZ, THE AGONIST
One song: “Pro-Abortion, Anti-Christ” by Swallowing Shit
LORD WORM, EX-CRYPTOPSY
I dunno. How about Mozart’s Requiem Mass in D minor?
WILL CARROLL, DEATH ANGEL
Black Sabbath’s “Born Again.”
K. ALLEN WOOD, editor SHOCK TOTEM/publisher HOLIDAY TALES OF THE MACABRE AND TWISTED
Tough one. But I’d have to say Straight Outta Compton by N.W.A. Most people believe Jesus was born to Joseph and Mary in Bethlehem, but that’s nonsense. Anyone in the know will tell you that Jesus was born to Ray-ray and La’Quishraniqua in Compton.
JOHN STRACHAN, EARLY GRAVES/THE FUNERAL PYRE
I really don’t even know. I’m completely distanced from the holiday; nothing in my normal music pattern is changed. But if you want a typical metal guy answer, maybe “Butchered at Birth.” Yeah, I guess that sounds cool.
This was a hard one, but after much internal debate, I have chosen C.O.C.’s Animosity. Partially because I could listen to this jawn every day of the week, and partially because of the song “Holier.” Come on, you cant get much holier than Xmas. A truly awe-inspiring slice of vinyl: harsh, aggressive, filthy and raw as fuck. They don’t make ’em like that anymore. That’s what I want for Xmas, more records like this!
RICHARD CHRISTY, CHARRED WALLS OF THE DAMNED
It’s a toss up between Deicide’s Legion album and the song “There’s a New Kid in Town” by Alan Jackson and Keith Whitley. It’s too tough to decide.
JOSHUA ANDREW BELANGER, ARTIST
No one can belt out holiday tunes like The Butterfly.
Ummm… I have no idea, “Chants of India” is pretty good in most situations.