Wine Up – Beer Down

Alright, enough with the PBR and Bud already. It’s a bit juvenile to still be drinking beers like your in high school. Are you having another TV party tonight or what? You can still hit your wife with a chalice, so maybe it’s time to grow up some and sophisticate yourself with a nice bottle of merlot. (I like to pronounce the ‘T’ at the end. It’s less pretentious that way.)
I say we follow the shining example put forth by the late, great Peter Steele. He drank wine by the bottle. Peter was a grown man with a grown palette, and he knew how to romance the ladies. He was a trailblazer, making it exceptionally badass to consume the blood of christ. Every time I saw Type O Negative Pete drank a magnum of Corbett Canyon to the face. It’s an excellent wine for goths, industrialists, and probably Evanescence fans.

In a freak incident, I was recently served a glass of Chupacabra, the wine that Maynard James Keenan makes in Cooch Wig Valley. Purple wines are my favorite, and this one was pretty good. I smelled it, swirled it and savored it, really taking it in. It tastes like cherries, dirt, and twigs. Tool’s first two albums rock, and here is the ideal wine for alt-90’s fans.

And of course there’s Night Train, one of GnR’s most rocking songs. Bum wines are still technically wines, and I’ve drank more of this “wine” than any other. Once you get over the fact that it tastes like Robitussin and rubbing alcohol, you’ll be able to enjoy the nausea it brings on. Night train is a good compromise for punks and thrashers alike because it’s even scummier than drinking Shaefer or Mickey’s, thereby maintaining your cred.

Turns out it’s old news, but even Satyr, the man behind Black Crow on-a-fucking Tombstone, also has his own wine: Wongraven. That’s about as bleak and brutal as wine will ever get. I haven’t had the pleasure, but I guess it tastes like blood, decaying bodies, and burning leaves. Obviously this is the go-to wine for black metal fans – until Gaahl puts out a wine.

Oh, and fucking Dio drank wine. Look at that dude. Obviously wine is the fountain of youth. One time I spotted sad Ritchie Blackmore in a bar on Long Island, and he was drinking wine, too! And he was a dick. Were there other prominent metalheads who drank wine?