How to be the Next Cemetery Rapist, the chubby small town second cousin of Wikipedia has an article on “How to Write Death Metal.” I’m sure there are many of you who hang around here waiting for another Cee Lo posting but would like to see how you can get involved in this exciting and ever-changing genre. Well let’s see what has to say:

(The article’s top photo features Eagles of Death Metal)

– Pick something(s) that you want to write about. Abuse of power, addiction, anarchy, anger, apathy, cannibalism, darkness, death, depression, fantasy, gore, hate, humor, insanity, christianity, anti-christianity… Also, looking on an online dictionary is a good idea. Random words on online dictionaries have definitions and can help you think of a song… For example, a song can flow between furrydom and Tolkien in a complex thematic interplay.

– For a riff, pull a riff using root notes from a power chord with a very weak arpeggio. (ex; E string, 5-5-5-5-5-5-5-8-8-8-7-7-7-7-7-5-5-5-5 etc).

– Drums should consist of a standard set, with another pedal or bass drum, a china, a crash, up to one or two more toms, a one more cymbal, and if you wanna mix it up, put in jingles, hand-bells or maybe a cowbell.

– If you want a dynamic lead system, try using blues minor arpeggiations, neoclassical arpeggios, sweeping, tremolo sweeps, and tapping. These are great, two string tapping is highly recommended for skilled guitarists.

– Don’t sell out and go with whatever is popular in hopes of making money.

– Cemetery Rapist does cricket growls. It is worth it to learn.

There are some other tidbits in there, but these are the basics to writing Death Metal. Apparently. So what’s missing, experts? What separates this article from listening to Individual Thought Patterns every day for two months? How can you help the future headbangers of America write true DM untarnished by the poseurs and kvlt-haters? What will you do for your metal community?

And, if in all honesty, you are here for Cee Lo, please check out “How to Appreciate Death Metal” and, uh, start appreciating it.