The Crossroads of Voivod and Mandy Moore

I went into this piece only knowing three things about Ryan Adams:

1. He’s a 36-year old baby asshole.

2. He did the worst cover of Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” that’s ever been recorded.

3. He’s married to Mandy Moore for some reason.

Now while I like some Whiskeytown songs (oh yeah, I also knew he was in an alt-country band) Adams has mostly just been an arrogant, poor man’s Jeff Tweedy. But whatever, who cares. This isn’t Pitchfork so why bother discussing any… oh wait, he put out his “most legit metal album” ever? Yes, I was just informed that in May he put out a “sci-fi heavy metal” album dedicated to Piggy from Voivod. The departed genius behind Nothingface, Negatron, the whole goddamn amazingness that changed the face of metal (pretty much) was saluted by the release of Orion.

So what does it sound like? Well, it sure as fuck doesn’t remind me of Voivod. Sounds like this guy got high on horse and yelled over some classic rock shit and a few speed metal riffs. Okay, there are a few Piggy influences, but for the most part it’s just a bunch of 80s pablum too embarrassing even for the Sword (maybe not), lyrics about there being an “Imminent Galactic War” and a couple times he ends songs by screaming “Ghorgon!” It’s an overflowing carton of garbage juice, not ridiculous enough to be funny and too boring and shitty to succeed as anything but musical backwash.

This record already came and went (it was only on vinyl and is selling on Ebay for 90 bucks) so there’s no real reason to harp on some fucking turd who doesn’t have to work so he sits around all day wearing sunglasses and releasing whatever ejaculate escapes from his overworked boner. But just FYI, here’s another shameful album in case you’re finishing up your top ten worst of 2010. Oh, and for the love of all that is unholy, please avoid anything by his other project Werewolph. Pizza metal, guys. This shit is pizza metal.