“Your Bully is an Inline Skater and a Death Metal Singer”

Oh, lordy. A post-emo kid in a tragically deep v-neck t-shirt and festooned with the requisite rejected-by-Flock-of-Seagulls haircut runs to MTV for help confronting his deathcore band fronting tormenter via Bully Beatdown, a reality show based upon the flawed premise that if you have a professional mixed-martial artist humiliate some asshole on television, that’ll be the end of your troubles. Because if violent assholes are known for anything it’s rationality, responding well to public embarrassment, and ratcheting down tension, right? Or is it the exact opposite? Alas, my advice to our diagonally-banged friend would be to spend 99 percent of the ten grand in Viacom blood money he received after his bully surrendered in the cage on private security rather than Nightmare Before Christmas tats because life is probably going to get a whole lot harder once the cameras and professionally trained fighters leave town. The other one percent of the cash should, of course, go toward purchasing Behemoth’s Evangelion. Dudeguy needs a little Nietzschean coaching on how to reach his inner ubermensch. Queue up “Daimonos” or “Ov Fire and the Void” on your IPod next time Mr. Deathy glides up on his inline skates, kid. Next thing you know his throat will be on the floor, the iron taste of blood will be tangy in your mouth, and you’ll never get your books knocked out of your hands in front of homeroom again.
Anyway, if you’ve always wanted to see an inline skater and/or guy who repeatedly employs “bitchassness” as an adjective kicked in the liver, this is your lucky day. Here’s his wee bully bio video…

…and then the fight itself, which begins with the bully teaching host Jason “Mayhem” Miller–a guy almost certainly with no ties to Euronymous and who, worse, tweets things like “Sorry cows, my favorite milk is almond, and then soy, followed by breast”–how to do the death growl. Um…sigh. Not exactly a shining moment in Metal Militia history, friends.