Wolvhammer Star In: Yet Another Tour Diary, Except This One’s Maybe Funny and Original (Part 3)

When they’re not getting down with the Cinnabon sickness at the Mall of America, Minneapolis BM punks Wolvhammer enjoy decimating faces on tour. Drummer/resident smartass Heath Rave will give us the gory, hopefully idiotic details.
Saturday, Oct. 30, day off
Drove all day to Denver. Took a different way than what I’m used to coming from Sioux Falls. Got to see some sweet junkyards and abandoned farms. Used to live in Denver, so I’m pretty stoked to get there and see my old friends. For now I’m diving into the first season of Fringe, pretty excited being an X-Files fan and general sci-fi nerd.

10 p.m. Make quick phone call to corner pharmacy.
10:30 p.m. Arrive in Denver. Hit corner pharmacy. Get awesome.
11 p.m. Stop by our friend/show promoter Emily’s to drop off the van. Meet Paul Romano of Mastodon art fame. We’re playing as part of an art show that he’ll be having at the venue tomorrow. Super nice dude. We’ll probably bum him out when we show up wasted later.
11:30 p.m. Drunk. Immediately. Forgot about the whole altitude thing. We are mammals.
1:30 a.m. I eat a Xanax. Attempt to get sleep. Somewhere in there, dudes chase some girls into a gay strip club. Dogs chase cars.
caveman wolvhammer
Sleep. All. Day. Modern chemistry is a miracle. Head to 3 Kings around 8 p.m. Stoked to see Paul’s work in person. The original painting for Leviathan was there and for sale. I didn’t look at the price tag, as I was completely enthralled by one of the coolest frames I’ve every seen. Paul obviously did this himself; makes me generally disappointed in my own volition to make art the days. Paul’s shit is serious.

My friend Ben from To Be Eaten’s Dethklok cover band opens up. I’ve seen the show, but never actually heard the songs in their entirety, as I think parody metal is fucking bullshit. I didn’t watch it. I was more interested in seeing my buddy Eric in a fucking cheetah print loincloth that he had made out of a Snuggie, looking like Ron Perlman in Quest for Fire. Fuck it—who says Halloween is only for girls to dress up slutty once a year? Let the dudes do it, too. And by the way, girls, you can dress slutty all year; Wolvhammer love it. And for the record, I’ve come to find out tonight that Wolvhammer don’t care if you have a girlfriend or a husband—we’ll fucking hunt you down. More on that in KC. Got to see my friends Steve from Cephalic Carnage and Mike, who was Dillinger’s sound guy back in the day. Rad times. We are drunk mammals.

Mon. Nov. 1, Kansas City, MO
Get up very early for a serious shit-suck of a drive. I’m wasted and immediately pass out in the van. Ten hours to KC—how the fuck does this happen. Get to the venue, unload, hang out and get ready to play for six people. Boy, we are fucking cool, I tell you. So, anyways, last night in Denver, band member M. (leaving this ambiguous for the other parties, not us) convinces his ex, who is married, to come down with her husband and hang out. He was not cool with it, and M. proceeds to shitbag the dude the whole time. Awesome.

So, in KC, band member A.’s ex comes out with her boyfriend, and proceeds to ditch him to hang with band member A. and get him into serious mammal state. Goddammit, I love watching this shit. Coolest part of the night. We find a place to stay and hit a grocery store. Stavros has food stamps ’cause he’s a white rapper in a black metal band named after shiny vampires who don’t fuck. I love this dude so much; for the record, he’s taking amazing care of us and making this tour really fucking easy. I’ll bet he misses 8 Mile.
Tues., Nov. 2, Wichita, KS
Phil was cool, and it was nice to see Casey. It’s funny playing with shitty post-rock bands—everyone leaves when we play. We still get paid; fuck you for being a pussy. BTW, you’re not in college and Explosions in the Sky sucks balls—grow a pair. The opener High Elf was awesome, sounded like Zombi and Goblin fronted by a man who described himself as Wichita’s answer to Rick Wakeman. (If you don’t know, Google that shit.)

BTW, let’s get the fuck out of here. Austin is tomorrow.