Laugh Tracks: Chris Fairbanks’ Paul Ryan

This week on Laugh Tracks, we are thrilled to welcome Chris Fairbanks! Originally from Montana’s Big Sky Country, and currently residing in Los Angeles, Chris headlines comedy venues internationally. His fast paced, quirky, and constantly improvised act has been showcased on Comedy Central, Conan, Last Comic Standing, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and HBO’s Crashing. He is the host of the “Do You Need a Ride?” podcast with Karen Kilgraff and is currently on tour as Paul Ryan. I was thrilled to present the current Speaker of the House with this list of songs in order to gain a more conservative perspective on some of my favorite extreme metal.

Napalm Death
“C.S. (Conservative Shithead)”

Gene’s take: Honestly, pretty self-explanatory

PAUL RYAN: I love the frenetic beat at the start of this one. It sounds like he’s drumming while at gunpoint. Like he didn’t have time to think about hitting the drums in the right spot every time, because he was preoccupied with staying alive. Or maybe they had to keep the song just under a minute, because there was at least three minutes of drumming packed in there.

This one also really spoke to me as someone who’s had to work under Donald Trump, given that his moves are so erratic and unpredictable. Serving as Speaker of the House with him is like driving around with a bee in the car. Also, the lyrics are an unintelligible listing of powerful words meant to evoke emotion, much like Donald every time he speaks/tweets.

I tried lifting to this song, and I pulled something in my back. It’s simply too fast to lift to.

“Christbait Rising”

Gene’s take: My favorite song about Jesus not by Depeche Mode.

PAUL RYAN: This is another hard-hitting jam where the percussion spoke to me immediately. It sounds like the drumming that would have come from the front lines of a Revolutionary War battle. I always wondered how that would’ve been a scary gig as a drummer. Everyone around you gets to have a musket, but you just have two drumsticks. Once that guy is face-to-face on the front lines with the enemy, I guess he’d just stop and stab soldiers with his sticks. They should have at least given those war drummers a sword or something. But what would I know about battle… after college I went straight to congress.

Also, as a devout Roman Catholic, this song resonates. The band’s title, Godflesh, clearly referencing the body of Christ given out during communion, and the song’s title, “Christbait Rising,” undoubtedly a shout out to Easter. Is this Christian metal? If so, I love it.

The Hirs Collective
Friends. Lovers. Favorites.

Gene’s take: Everyone should be allowed to use whatever bathrooms they fucking want.

PAUL RYAN: I agree with this song’s opening speech about fighting for women at risk. For example, I’ve been fighting my whole career to protect women who face the medical risk associated with getting an abortion, by attempting to abolish Roe vs. Wade. Working hard to gradually strip away government funding for organizations like Planned Parenthood, I’ve helped keep our women safely having babies, even if they don’t want to. Abortions are dangerous, right, fellas? I’m assuming that’s what this song is about, I don’t know, I couldn’t understand the scream-core lyrics. It seriously kicks ass though. Reminds me of early Papa Roach!…Or the sounds of the natural birth of an infant baby.

Sex Prisoner
“Snuff Film”

Gene’s take: Something about the house majority leader just screams “SEX PRISONER.”

PAUL RYAN: Whoa, Sex Prisoner’s “Snuff Film” is about some pretty heavy-duty stuff! I don’t care for that kinky sex. I like slow, methodical love making… missionary style, with little to no eye contact. With my wife only! I mean, we tried to use handcuffs once, but the key fell between the mattress and the bed frame and I was stuck there for like 20 minutes while our kids crawled under there and looked for it. Hope that’s the last time I get locked up, it was so embarrassing!

As far as snuff films, I don’t even want to think about it. Yuck. The only thing I like to watch die is a deer at the hands of my custom made Center Point graphite crossbow.

In League With Satan”
Welcome To Hell

Gene’s take: Isn’t Satan the dude all the rich white men worship?

PAUL RYAN: Venom has a great sound, but I could do without the whole Satanism angle. This band would sound just as bad-ass if the lyrics subliminally converted young listeners to Christ…but in the same aggressive manner, so it still would sound evil to your Hell bound friends. More bands need to reference life experiences from a Christian perspective! See, Christianity can be cool! Instead of black metal, bands should start recording white metal! White Christian Metal…I like the sound of that!

“Paper Cuts (Nirvana Cover)”
2018 Tour Tape

Gene’s take: Our best song because we didn’t write it.

PAUL RYAN: This song sounds exactly like my old neighbors back in Janesville, WI. The grind of the down-tuned guitar, the incessant starting and stopping, and the overdriven bass, are an audio replica of Cleatis Bunker trying to fire up his run down Harley Davidson every G-damn morning, down at the end of the road. They were poor, unsuccessful farmers. The whole family drank heavily…even the kids. As Cleatis tried to fire up that crappy motorcycle, his wretched wife would limp out on her swollen ankle, (she was 25 years his senior, by the way) and she would scream obscenities at him. Usually demanding he “…come back home with fucking money, and some fucking food for these six damn kids…blah, blah…otherwise all your sh*t will be in the front yard when you get home from wherever the Hell you go!!!” She would scream it. The lyrics sound just like her voice. I remember I used to hide under my covers, praying they would stop. I forgot about this massive taint on my otherwise happy childhood, until now. Thanks for nothing “Bandit”…you’ve stolen all my joy today.