Notes About Nothing
“Can Roger Goodell change his name to Roger Badell already?”
Alright, folks, it’s that time of year. We have the Superbowl in a Week, and it’s once again time to reflect on the football season Seinfeld style. Here we go, year Three of the NFeLd Awards. So go to your coffee shop, kick back with a big glass of Bosco, or warm up one of those Poppy Seed muffins you eat all the time. Here’s to feeling good all the time.
The Jerry Seinfeld “How Can Anyone Not Like Him” Award
Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta Falcons
Way more likable than that other Matthew Jerry’s always dealing with.
George Costanza’s Pulp Player of the Year
Tyreek Hill, WR, Kansas City Chief
12 touchowns, including 3 kick returns for TD. Can move, Baby!
Kramer’s Roll out Tie Dispenser Need Award Winner
Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers
Spills mustard on tie before big meeting with Seattle Seahawks. Benched for first quarter.
The Joe Davola, Kicker of the Year
Justin Tucker, K, Baltimore Ravens
Justin Tuck deserves a trip to the ER, and he’s the one to send him there. Lets hope he has some cherry binaca handy.
Elaine Bene’s Bisk of the Year
Sam Bradford, QB, Minnesota Vikings
Elaine: I signed this quarterback. We started out 6-0. There was talk of the Superbowl. Yadda, yadda, yadda, I never heard from him again.
Lisi’s Sentence Finisher of the Year, for worst replacement
Carson Wentz, QB, Philadelphia Eagles
Carson: “Well, I’m sorry. I’m not Bradford. I’m me! Nice to meet ya!!!
The Jerry Seinfeld Kixer of the Year
Ezekial Elliot, RB, Dallas Cowboys
George: “Their whole offense revolves around Superman eating Cereal.”
The Brody Bootleg of the Year
Antonio Brown, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers
I was going to have Big Ben shoot it, but It’s an emotional moment, and frankly I don’t think he has the sensibility.
The Defent Defensive Player of the Year
Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, CB, Green Bay Packers
Usually, we hate the low course Ha’s, but not this year.
The Lloyd Braun Name Tag Recipient
Odell Beckham JR., WR, New York Giants
Faught. Cried. Punched holes in walls. Beat up kicking net. A total lack of Serenity all sesson.
Robert’s Team Change of the Year
Jaimie Collins, LB, New England Patriots to Cleveland Browns
Jaimie: My new team sucks, but my old team rules.
Jerry: I know. That’s why they lose very few players.
The Rick Barr Property “I Show Up” award
Joey Bosa, LB, San Diego Chargers
Snaps on the team, management, refuses to sign, says he quit and shows up the first week of the season ensconsed. An emotional guy who no one takes seriously.
Newman’s Prettyboy Award, for Nice Game of the Year
Colin Kaepernick, QB, San Francisco 49ers, vs Chicago Bears, Sunday, Dec 4th, 2016.
Newman: 1-of-5 passing for 4 yards and benched in the 4th Quarter against a 25th ranked defense? I despise him!
Nana’s “Drop Dead” Curse Out of the Year
Packman Jones, CB, Cinncinatti Bengals, vs. Police Officer
Policeman: “Oh, Dear.”
The Chapter 2 Award, for most oustanding emotionally charged letter
Olivia Munn, girlfriend of Aaron Rodgers
Clay Matthews purchases painting out of obligation.
Seth’s Firing of the Year
Jeff Fisher, HC, LA Rams
Has good job in LA and misses several important meetings on Sunday afternoons. Now having lunch with Moochy.
Elaine’s Diaphram Award, for Biggest Sexual Devise Mishandling.
Dildo on field, Bills/Patirots, Oct 2nd, 2016
Bills Fan: “You never know where youre gonna need it, right?
The You gotta love sports” Game of the Year Award
10 lead changes, overtime, almost ends in a tie, but ends with a last second field goal on a Sunday Night while the Raiders are stuck having dinner with Peterman.
The Franco Interaction of the Year
Donald Trump and Tom Brady
Trump: I bet he called to congragulate me, but acted all aloof like he didn’t know me”
Brett’s “Desperado” Song of the Year
Lady Gaga, “Perfect Illusion”
When this song comes on, time stops, because you know NFL Football is near.
The Bob and Cedric Annoyance Stemming from Defiance Award
Colin Kaepernick, QB, San Francsico 49ers
The non-ribbon wearing equalvelnt of National Anthem obserbvance.
The Caught Award
Johnny Manziel, QB, no team
Haven’t heard from this guy in awhile. Somewhere in the shackles
The Caught Eating a Block of Cheese the Size of a Car Battery Award
Odell Beckham/Giants recievers on boat days before playoff game
Sportsjackets were put on as soon as Coach Ben Mcadoo walked on the boat.
Human Farfel Award
Aquib Taleb, CB, Denver Broncos
Michael Crabtree’s chain replaced and paid for by Gavin Polone.