I Once Cried Because I Was Pissing Blood, Until I Saw a Man With No Penis

I’m a firm believer that the best stories in life cannot be written. Like the story Lorena Bobbitt brought us in the early ’90s, for example.

I’m not cold-mentioning Lorena out of left field. After a 22-year absence, she’s BACK. She was on the Steve Harvey show this week.

One thing I never got to go the bottom of: Was the song “Detachable Penis” written before or after the Bobbitt incident?

What are the odds of another laceration leading to greatness?

In this week’s statement win against the Denver Broncos, Andrew Luck lacerated his kidney and is expected to be out 4-5 weeks (knowing that psycho, he’ll be back in nine days).

A lacerated kidney injury was explained to me eloquently by sports journalist Dan Le Batard yesterday on his show, Highly Questionable.

“When you stop pissing blood, you’re healed.”

First of all, if I were in any of the teams in the AFC South today and I still cared about football, I’d be salivating over Luck’s injury. After last week’s win, I’m sure they were assuming the Colts were about to go on a textbook run to the playoffs, winning the division by a landslide. This flips that script on its head.

Lets assume Luck is out for the next four weeks. In said span, the team draws the Falcons, Steelers, Bucs and Jacksonville. How many of those games can they win Luck-less? Properly breaking down the competition in their division, they will need to win at least one of those games behind QB Matt Hasselbeck, and probably win three out of four when Luck returns. Basically, going .500 to end the season will get them the division.

If there’s one team that needs to gear up over these next four weeks, it’s the Houston Texans, who are tied with the Colts going in to Week 9. I wouldn’t be surprised if they upset Cincy on Monday, who is beyond due for a loss.

Now here’s the rub: What if the Colts survive all the setbacks they’ve had this season to win the division? Can they make a playoff run? A healthy Luck who has survived adversity all season. Injuries. Coaching changes. Constant scrutiny, only to be smack dab in the playoffs come the Wild Card round.

Believe me, everyone on that damn team had Super Bowl aspirations come training camp this year. It may not be the way they wanted it, but if they get a shot, I wouldn’t put it past the Colts to make a miraculous comeback, sort of like John Wayne Bobbitt’s, whose penis was found by police in a field, reattached, ultimately leading him to a career in porn.


OK, so the gloves are officially off halfway through the NFL season.

Sometimes, though, you can leave your gloves on and still inflict as much damage.

I loved this Aqib Talib eye-poking if for nothing else the fact that he denied it was intentional vehemently after the fact, and the organization backed him on his denial and subsequent appeal of the one-game suspension he received on Monday (which was denied within seconds, by the way).

“Obviously, [I’m] very disappointed,” was the first sentence out of John Elway’s mouth on the subject, which made sense. Then came sentence number two: “We’re all very disappointed as a team that it was not reduced.”

OK, so Elway and the Broncos are taking Talib’s side on this one?

Basically, they’re playing the role of the parent of the honor roll student in denial that their kid got in trouble at school for his participation in a food fight.

“But he’s an honor student! It couldn’t’ have been his fault. That teacher always had it out for him anyway. It wasn’t even his food. You know, there are countries that don’t even have food…”

Honestly, I like the Broncos move siding with Talib. Fuck it, the dude’s playing lights-out corner this year.

By the way, this was my favorite highlight from this weekend of football. Dwayne Allen’s reaction was priceless. You would have thought he got shot in the eye. For some reason, there’s a baby going apeshit in the background of this clip. 

Happy to Be Stuck With You

Yes, a Huey Dewey Lewis and the News Reference.

Alright, FINALLY I get to talk about the Chicago Bears for once; more specifically, Jay Cutler.

I live in Chicago.

I can honestly say that Cutler is the most scrutinized athlete in all of Chicago sports. Keep in mind, we have five major sports teams here, one of which has Derrick Rose on it, a guy whose position is listed as B/S (Bench/Suit) and his basketball cards.

For example, there’s a rock club out here called Reggie’s, located a stone’s throw away from Soldier Field. There’s a picture of Jay Cutler’s face behind the bar that says “Banned for Life” under his head.

Reggie’s stance is the stance of the majority of football fans in this city: Cutler is SATAN. A nasty folklore follows him everywhere he goes. He is the definition of a “bad media” player. He comes off as apathetic when he wins, and oblivious when he loses. He’s also a notable proponent of not vaccinating his kids. And we all know what happens when you don’t vaccinate your children…

There’s no doubt that Cutler comes as billed. Dude is an asshole in real life. In his defense, so was Dan Marino. But Marino won games consistently. That gives you a “Get out of being an Asshole Free” card.

Cutler Haters, listen up:

A significant thing happened this past Monday Night in the Bears/Chargers game, which the Bears won, by the way. Jay Cutler threw his 138th touchdown as a Chicago Bear, a five-yard bootleg to Martellus Bennett.

This touchdown made Cutler the all-time touchdown leader in Chicago Bears history, passing Sid Luckman’s 72-year reign in said department. It must be noted that Luckman played in a different era. The game was MUCH more reversed offensively back then. However, a record is a record, and Jay Cutler is now technically the cornerstone QB in Bears history.

Is Cutler a top-tier QB? No.

Is Cutler as bad as people make him out to be in this city? HELL NO.

Here’s how I look at it: Cutler is better than half the QBs in the league, and worse than the other half. As of now, Cutler is still more consistent than the rookie crop of QBs in the league, even though they ultimately have more upside. You add in a bunch of lame duck QBs: Stafford, Hoyer, and Alex Smith, for example. Even a playoff-bound team like the New York Jets would probably trade Ryan Fitzpatrick straight up for Jay Cutler if money weren’t an issue. What about teams like the St. Louis Rams or Philadelphia Eagles had a shot at him? The hated Cutler is probably neck-and-neck with Joe Flacco on the QB totem poll. Not a bad spot to be in.  

The Bears could easily have a top 10 pick this year in the draft, and fans will be salivating over the idea of drafting a QB. They already have their eyes on Michigan State QB Connor Cook, from what I’m hearing. But I ask, is it worth it? Sure, they can breed a QB behind Cutler and put some pressure on him in the process, but the Bears have a plethora of holes they need filled before QB. Lets shut up, drink our beers, and roll with this guy for a few more years. He’s not THAT bad.

Are You There, Reggie? It’s Me, God.

(a couple weeks ago)

“If you sense you’re going to be fired from a job, slip and fall, and make sure you get injured. You be able sue afterward.”

Do It for the Kids (Screw the Adults)

I’ve been very vocal about this, but I believe halfway through the 2015 season, the NFL has officially anointed it’s new golden boy: one Cam Newton. He’s beyond squeaky clean, plays the game right, and most importantly, plays for a winning team. He has a Nickelodeon show coming out this spring, as well, which doesn’t hurt.

One of the things that raised Newton’s stock is his unbelievable set of trademarks. The towel on the head on the sidelines, the Superman shirt thing after every touchdown, etc. One of his best PR trademarks is handing the ball to a child in the stands after every one of his rushing touchdowns. He obviously got this from Bret Hart, who used to give his shades to a fan before every match.

But in the midst of all these trademarks, there’s still a game going on that people not on Newton’s team want to win, and emotions come out in the process. Enter veteran DE and potential future Hall of Famer Julius Peppers, who was fed up with the Cam-isms this week in his return to Carolina. Here’s Peppers throwing the ball of a rushing touchdown away, preventing a young fan from having it. Don’t worry, though. The ball was returned to Cam about a minute later, and Cam promptly handed it to a lucky kid.

We all know Cam does it for the kids. But how does he interact with adults?

I was insanely surprised to hear of an incident involving Newton and a Packers fan prior to the game this Sunday. Cam saw a sign in the crowd of a Packers fan from the Carolinas. Cam ran over to it and snatched it and dragged it in to the locker room, where he promptly threw it in a flaming trash can.

The fan, who’s obviously a crybaby, whined over the fact that Cam took his banner, which apparently cost him $500.

When asked about why he did it, Cam responded with the following.

I love Cam’s response.

There are two types of teams in the NFL. Those whose fan bases have an identity, and those other losers.

The Panthers for years have had their field infiltrated by these OG teams’ fans, who travel well, and Cam’s obviously done with that.

Cam is creating an identity for his team and the fans of his team. He doesn’t want them to be powder puffs like they are down in Atlanta, for example. This was him leading by example, not only on the field with a BIG win over a top-five team, but by properly using his celebrity to steal things and get away with it, Winona-style.

Interesting side note: The Panthers bought the Green Bay fan a new banner. Pansies.

Ditk Move

Last week, I wrote about the 9/11 of sweater-wearing for Chicago Bear fans.

Mike Ditka, in a recent McDonald’s commercial, wore a Packers sweater!

To put this in perspective for non-Bears fans, this would be like Heidi Fleiss wearing a Tom Sizemore shirt.

Nevertheless, the damage has already been done in the spirit of commerce, and us Bears fans have to live with it for the rest of our lives.

However, are we truly the ones on the receiving end of said damage?

The Packers, many’s pick for the best team in the league two weeks ago, HAVE NOT WON since Ditka donned the sweater. Could Mike Ditka have sharked the Pack this season with this fashion faux pas?

Rodgers has fallen out of MVP discussions in the last two weeks, and is throwing iPads instead of touchdowns. The Pack are now tied with the Vikes for the NFC North lead.

We’ll see if the curse is real when the Pack plays the Lions in Green Bay this week, a game they should win by 45 points.

Lions please go into Green Bay and win this week, so I can ritualistically commit suicide on Monday morning and die happy. 

Oh Crap. My Parents Aren’t Here

And finally this week, I wanted to bring up a heartfelt story for a change.

For those of you not aware of this, Denver wideout Demaryius Thomas’ mother has been in prison for the last 15 years. When Thomas was 12 years old, his home was raided by Georgia police, who exposed his mother’s involvement in a crack ring.

Thomas moved in with his aunt and uncle. He went on to play college ball at Georgia Tech for three years. He was then drafted to the NFL and became a star, all the while with his mother in prison.

Katrina Thomas has not ever been able to watch her Pro Bowl son play a snap of football.

This Sunday, for the first time ever, Katrina will be able to watch her son play. She is still on probation and will not be able to leave the state of Georgia to be in the stands at Mile High Stadium. However, she will be able to watch it on TV at home with her family.

According to Thomas, it is his goal to have his mother see a game from the stands this season. He claims he will be in talks with her probation officer to lift his mother’s non-travel clause (which is supposed to last three months). With the help of the Broncos organization, this should be extremely easy for him to achieve.

If you’ve ever had your parents come to a sports game you played in growing up, you’ll know firsthand that they are annoying, overanalytical, and make the experience overall more paranoid for every child on the field. Plus, they frown upon kids smoking cigarettes during games, like the real baseball players do.

But all those things mean nothing, and I mean nothing, at the end of the day, if you want a ride to the game and a Gatorade.

Shout out to my sixth grade friend Spiros, whose Flames are in the Super Bowl this week.

Youth sports rules. Support them any chance you can.

Pick of the Week

Texans +13 over Cincy