Encrotchment With Eddie Gobbo From Jar’d Loose: Week 8

Favorite Horror Movie: The Haunted Mask II
Favorite Horror Movie Actor: The kid from The Haunted Mask II

Lions for Lambs

As we sat in the backstage area of Chicago’s Cobra Lounge this past Friday, Steve Colca, lead singer/guitarist of Austin, Texas’ Destroyer of Light, gave me an overview of their treacherous tour schedule. They’re in the middle of a month-long run, which included hitting the highly touted Southwest Terror Fest in Arizona a couple weeks back. These dudes absolutely crush! Very Pentagram-esque with a High on Fire tinge.

I met Colca years ago at Chicago’s DePaul University, while we were getting our bachelor degrees in metal (I minored in avant-garde sports column writing). We went to see Lamb of God on the As the Palaces Burn tour together. On the train ride to the show, I vaguely remember talking football with Colca.  He expressed his love for the Detroit Lions, a very ballsy comment from even a Michigan native, considering the Detroit Lions were one of the consistently worst teams in football at the time.  Bad QBs, bad defenses and bad coaching led them to the record-breaking 2008 winless season. I made Steve recall the horror-scene that was 2008:

“We don’t like to talk about that. [Laughs] Hey man, sometimes it takes something embarrassing to make a team better.”

Football fans might remember a guy named Matt Millen during that era. He was an ex-player, and the Lions GM for the worst stretch in their franchise’s history. He’d attend every game. When the Lions would blow a game, often in Three Stooges fashion, the camera would focus in on Millen with tombstones in his eyes. In high school, my friends and I would laugh every Monday at how sick Matt Millen looked after the Detroit loss the day before. He was mercifully fired in 2008. If there is one dude that Lions fans scapegoat for their Hell Tour, it’s Millen. Colca’s thoughts on him are no different.

“Screw that guy. First off, I can’t believe they kept Matt Millen on the Lions staff for so long. He made horrible decisions, time and time again. And then, obviously, the winless season. I am glad that we can put those years behind us.”

And put those years behind you can, Lions fans. The Lions are 6-2 this year! I’d actually say they’re arguably the most balanced team in football. They can beat you in a shootout. They can beat you in a defensive battle. Most importantly, they are winning the close games that they’d normally lose. Case in point, the last two weeks. They came back and won games against Atlanta and New Orleans that any other season, they would have accepted defeat in and probably start fighting the other team. Colca attributes the sea change to maturity.

“I think the team has finally matured and grown to handle pressure situations better. Also, I think the coaching staff has a lot to do with [the change].”

Behind new head coach Jim Caldwell, who you may remember from such teams as the Peyton Manning-led Indianapolis Colts, post-Tony Dungy, they are way more collected than under previous coach Jim Schwartz. Good news for all you Michiganders who stuck by your Lions through all the crap. Now go blast some Ted Nugent from your Gran Torino and get out of my sight!

Check out Destroyer of Light here. And catch them on tour in the southeast through November. Stoked on these dudes!!!

Lynching Yourself to Live

I am furious right now at Marshawn Lynch, who is officially my least favorite player in all of sports.

He pissed me off royally this past May when he stayed home from the team’s congratulatory trip to the White House. He just “didn’t want to go.”  Like a kid who doesn’t want to go to church on Christmas and just open his presents. Dude, you play American football. Have enough respect for your country to spend a day at the White House. It’s not like you’re trying to make a political statement like Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, unless your statement is laziness (which actually, now that I think about it, may be a political statement). Moron.

Then there was a heavy rumor that when Percy Harvin was traded to the Jets two weeks ago, Lynch refused to get on the team bus to head to the airport because he was upset. Regardless of that rumor’s veracity, he DID in fact take to Twitter to say how upset he was over the trade. Your job is to play, Marshawn, not to analyze the coaching staff and management of a player who was the disruptive crybaby Frack to your Frick.

It was announced on Sunday that neither the Seahawks nor Lynch expects Lynch to be on the team next season, with years still left on his contract. This shouldn’t be a distraction for the rest of the year, should it? Seattle fans: Welcome to first-round playoff loss upset land. I can’t wait ’til this guy plays for a crappy team, makes less money, and/or is out of football. Hopefully all will happen next year.


The Raid 2: Directors Cut

What if the Raiders beat the Seahawks this Sunday? Hmmmmmmmm…

Brokeback Cowboy

Dallas/Fort Worth saw their lives flash before their eyes this past Monday when Tony Romo fell and couldn’t get up after taking a sack in the third quarter against the Skins.

Luckily, it was only a back contusion, not related to last year’s season-ending back injury. Jerry Jones in an interview with 105.3 The Fan (Dallas) yesterday said that, “If Tony Romo can withstand the pain, he could play Sunday vs. Arizona.” Something tells me he’ll start this Sunday and will aggravate his back even more.

The Cowboys next three weeks are vs. Arizona, at Jacksonville, and then their bye week. DON’T start Romo this weekend against the Cards (a game I’m certain they will lose even if they did start him). Sit him the next game against Jacksonville (a game they can win without him), have him not play golf on his bye week, and have him poised for healthy run a month from now, you lose

Are You There, McCoy Family? It’s Me, God.

Did you guys go out for ice cream after?

Gone Guy

Remember the movie Breakdown with Kurt Russell? Well, this is the real-life version, except the man abducted himself. This week, a man named Peter Kitterman went to the Broncos/Chargers Thursday night game with his stepson. When his stepson went to the bathroom in the second half, he came back to see his stepdad gone. I’m sure this is a dream for most people with stepparents, but this kid actually liked his stepfather.

Five days later, they found this dude, in a Walmart parking lot 100 miles away from the stadium.

His response when they inevitably asked him “What the Fuck?!” was essentially, “What???” like it wasn’t a big deal. Mark my words, this guy gets divorced within the year.

My dad once left me at a game: Thurs., Oct. 2, 2008, Cubs/Dodgers playoff game at Wrigley Field. He got bummed after Carlos Zambrano gave up five runs in the second inning and stormed out of Wrigley Field. I was 24 years old.


And finally this week, my friend, and the only Jets fan in Boston, Rozamov’s Tom Corino, sent me this website he probably made called firejohnidzik.com. Why Tom would want the lead singer of Goo Goo Dolls to lose his job, I have no idea.

Pick of the Week

New York Giants +3 over Indy