New Year’s Metalutions

In 2014, I resolve to:
Descant the insalubrious.
Yoko Ono Chimaira.
Stop smashing hammer faces.
Train my army of attack hamsters.
Look into whether or not goat sacrifice requires a permit.
Resist your touch of evil.
Follow Darkthrone on tour.
Convince Albert to do a Hall Of Fame on Nightwish’s Wishmaster.
Transcribe Obituary lyrics.
Watch more porn.
Actually listen to albums before I review them.
Create supercut of every usage of the name “Satan” in black metal songs.
Collapse contradictions.
Arrange joint Graveland/Orphaned Land tour.
Make a sequel to Rock Star that follows the rest of Ripper Owens’ career after he quit metal to become a sensitive singer-songwriter.
Listen through the Merzbox.
Find out who would win in a fight: Godzilla or Jucifer’s amp stack.
Write more Metallica erotic fanfiction.
Finally listen to this “Deathheaven” band all The Kids are talking about.
Remix the Morbid Angel remix album.
Film a band documentary that isn’t “spiral of self-destruction” or “wacky tour antics” or “point the camera at Lemmy.”
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Hide the bodies.
Start that My Little Pony-themed metal project with J. Bennett that we’ve been discussing forever.
Stop posting half-assed “humor” articles.

***Have some resolutions of your own? Share them on twitter with #MetalResolutions!