For Those About to Squeak: Ozzy’s Nibbles of the Week

I have a pet hamster. His name is Ozzy. He is adorable but terrified of everything. However, over the course of his cohabitation with me, he’s become acclimated to the sounds of heavy metal, probably due to the fact that I play it for 16 hours a day. I’ve discovered that he actually has quite discerning taste, and reacts differently to the different things I play. So, in this column, I’m going to play him some of the latest metal singles, record his reaction, and then offer my scientific interpretation of what his behavior means vis-à-vis the song.
Song: Clutch – “Earth Rocker”

Reaction: The subject poked his head out of his wooden hutch. He sniffed around a little bit. He then stuffed some pieces of bedding into his cheeks and disappeared back into the house.

Interpretation: “This… This song! It stirs ancestral memories of glorious freedom. Okay, I’m going to make a break for it this time, for real – wait! I think the Great Old One Who Feeds Me And Scratches My Belly is out there. Nothing to see here, master! Just grabbing some bedding, IGNORE ME.”

Song: Lightning Swords of Death – “Baphometic Chaosivm”

Reaction: The subject ran in his wheel. Stopped. Stood up, ears perked. Shot off the wheel, climbed the side of his cage, sat on his perch. Jumped off and darted back onto his wheel.

Interpretation: “OH GOD THIS IS IT I’M DONE FOR – Oh, I guess the Great Old One is just running the vacuum again.”

Song: Darkthrone – “Leave No Cross Unturned”

Reaction: The subject noticed toilet paper tube. Wrestled toilet paper tube. Lost to toilet paper tube.

“This makes me want to go out and slay a host of heaven’s angels, but I guess I’ll have to settle for this toilet paper tube. HAIL AND KILL – no! NO! This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! Curse my frail hamster form!”