Death to False Flexis

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife is one thing, but a sexy little slip of tightly-grooved, undulating vinyl polymer? Altogether another.
Or so we’ve surmised from the announcement that Divine Metal Distro — “the premier online source for Christian Hard Rock & Heavy Metal” — and Ultimatum — proud instigators of several crown of thorns tattoos — are collaborating on a “limited edition collectors edition Flexi Vinyl Disc of their single ‘Heart of Metal’ from the album ‘Into the Pit'”…

…which bears a striking resemblance to the first entry in our own epic monthly Decibel Flexi Series launched back in January of 2011 with a major assist from — coincidence? — end time grinders Brutal Truth:

“You Should Know Better,” indeed.

Meanwhile, apparently driven semi-mad by Decibel‘s lack of interest in garage rock noodling, Jack White has taken to distributing his own flexi-single via helium balloon. Now his label is bragging about how one of these floated onto Ebay where it fetched a cool $4,238.88: “As far as can be discerned, this is the highest price ever paid for a flexi-disc record, topping out usual benchmarks from obscure Japanese hardcore singles of the early 80’s and Beatles fan-club Christmas offerings.”

Yes, well…White and Co. may believe they’ve reduced Decibel to the equivalent of the jilted pom-pom girl below by making the Beatles Christmas Club their bitch…

…but, aside from the physical evidence of our superiority, we’re gonna let our good friend Robert Smith handle our rebuttal:

Take it from this guy, subscribe now to get on the right side of history.