The Devil Sends the Beast With…Beer

It’s a well-established fact that Satan is responsible for all the best bands. Without His presence in the music—from AC/DC to Zyklon B—it wouldn’t be as dangerous, wicked or br00tal. Every metal band worth a damn has in its own way paid the devil his due. Like Diamond Head, for instance, who wrote a song called “To the Devil His Due.”
But the Devil’s wickedness is certainly not the exclusive domain of the metal world. Oh no, his reach goes out into other evil pursuits, such as imbibing. Specifically, drinking beer. His presence is strong within the beer world and takes many forms. Bear witness to the ways He corrupts the innocent with his malt-based alcoholic beverages. Delicious, refreshing and intoxicating malt-based alcoholic beverages.

They say they devil takes many forms, and in this case He’s a badass hop flower (or “HopDevil”), just waiting to harsh thy mellow with his potent bitterness.

We’re not entirely sure why the Devil is always portrayed as being that same red color as the weird tube steaks they cook on the metal rollers at 7-11, but we’re supposing that it’s because of the all the hellfire and whatnot that’s given him a permanent hellfireburn.

Anyone who mistakes this one for Tuborg Gold will be in for a helluva surprise. This is Satan’s top-of-line brew, a strong Belgian ale worthy of His name and image.

Let us recite the many names for which He is known by: Belzebud, Beezelbub, Beazlebub, Belzaboul, Beelzeboul, Baalsebul, Baalzebubg, Belzebuth, Beelzebuth, and Beelzebus. All of which are pretty close to “beer.” And “ale” sounds a lot like “hell.”

This “Old Devil” is not too old to still kick your ass (with alcohol). Actually, this brew is no longer made, probably because He didn’t like being portrayed as “old.”

The devil, of course, has “needs” (see Rosemary’s Baby) and when he’s gettin’ in the mood for some sexy time, nothing does the job like a bottle of this high-powered brew.

Sometimes His beer even comes in a can, so that it can be consumed while mowing thy lawn or fishing in thy bass boat.

Let him who hath understanding reckon the alcohol content of this Beast. For it is a human number. Its number is—holy shit!—fourteen point nine percent! Ah hah hah hah hah ha ha!!!