For Those About to Squawk: Waldo’s (Metallica) Pecks of the Week

Wow, the end of a year, huh? New beginnings, resolutions and, well, hopefully some good metal releases coming in the next year. The release schedule is drier than Betty White’s cooch right now, so since I don’t have too much to peck about, I’m basically going to trash Metallica in this column. I know it’s not too topical, but what the fuck, I get paid by the word.

LULU: Have you heard this? James Hetfield is the “table.” This is probably the worst record in the history of music. The riffs are stale and boring, the vocals wander in out in an extremely annoying manner that makes little to no sense. Understandably, the lyrics are based off of a pair of German plays, because it’s a pretty metal topic to write about. TONS of metalheads are lined up at their local production of “Mama Mia” and ‘Tallica wanted to tap into that market. This is proof that the band that changed the face of modern metal has too many “Yes Men” around them. And what was Lou Reed even thinking when he signed up for this? Is this the definition of where to place your angst when your stock portfolio goes down 3%? Although hilarity SHOULD ensue when one listens to this, it kind of just makes me want to vomit in my own beak. This has the stench of some demo material that was lying around that Lou Reed just kind of rants over incoherently. Hetfield—perhaps once the best vocalist in metal—now has the same enunciation as Randy Macho Man Savage .Torbin Ulrich is probably stroking his beard and laughing at his son for this utter piece of shit. This is a catastrophic failure on every beaking level.

BEYOND MAGNETIC: Ever hear bits and pieces on Mission Metallica? Me either. Ever wondered what happened to the extra songs that were written and recorded for Death Magnetic? Me either. The wheat and the chaff aren’t separated much here as this left over material from the DM sessions is equally as wretched as Death Magnetic itself. Stale, bland, boring, predictable and pedantic, Beyond Magnetic is just plain bad. I’m sure these releases sell, but to whom? I mean who can look at themselves in the mirror after listening to this? This is the aural equivalent of AIDS.

Hater gonna hate.