Korn Shifts Gears, Explores New Territory

I was going to write what I hoped would be the definitive critique of the heart-stopping shit mountain known as Loutallica, but then I got this in my inbox:
Korn announced today that they will release their tenth studio album, The Path of Totality on December 6. But this is unlike any Korn record. It’s even unlike any record released before.

Goddamnit! So the blood-starved Pimp Rock undead are back, but don’t worry — this shit is going to be so incredibly new and different and out of left field and operating on a whole different plane of existence that musicologists will be trying to pick it apart for generations.

For The Path of Totality, the band collaborated with some of the leading dubstep and electronic producers in the world…

Motherfuckers! You make a hit song by handing over cheap lyrics and like one guitar riff to that glitchy, 8-bit pussy Skrillex and all of a sudden you’re boldy fusing metal and electronica? They already did that; it was called the Spawn soundtrack and it came out in 1997. You were actually on it. Were the Dust Brothers too busy for a “Kick the P.A.” update?

Listen, I know you don’t want to be stuck wearing full body paint and dancing with backwards hatted bimbos like your old friends LB, but this is not the way to go. You probably think this is setting you up to cruise through the next decade, hip to the latest thing and wagging your dick in front of a whole new crop of frustrated suburban tail, but how much longer can this really last? Your sound is being so thoroughly diluted by this point, you’re essentially just sticking your logo on someone else’s music like a Dupont patch on Jeff Gordon’s flame resistant jacket.

You’re grown-ups, fathers, multi-millionaire businessmen. Can’t you take a look in the mirror, so to speak, and see that maybe it’s time you put away childish things and pursue avenues that are a little more thoughtful and mature?

Korn announced that the first leg of their “Path of Totality (P.O.T.)” tour…

Fine, go fuck yourselves.