How to Market Your Band, the Bag of Dicks Way

What Is Moira’s Lake? from Envinity on Vimeo.

“The Most Expensive Album You’ll Buy This Year”

That is the first thing you read on the promo page for Envinity’s Moira’s Lake. Here’s the second thing:

“Even Though It’s Brilliant, That Doesn’t Mean You’ll Like It.”

And so begins our quest throughout the worst, most self-important piece of shit art conceived this year.

How bad is it? Well, the album comes with a Gag Reel.

Actually, the gag reel is a shining moment compared to the short story, the 20-minute featurette, a lyric booklet… It keeps going with all the subtlety of an infomercial and all the artistry of a food dehydrator.

The “guided tours” of Moira’s Lake can’t be embedded, but trust me, they are worth it. You know when your friend wants you to hear his band and he never shuts the up so you actually hear more of his boorish commentary than the music? Well that friend is fucking Harpo Marx compared to Niko Van Steenhoven. Oh, did I mention that’s the band leader’s name? Are you surprised?

There are many parts of this that scream “satire,” but there is far too much involvement with this dump heap to be anything but a pompous douche spending all of his time dedicated to a meaningless project instead of being a normal human.

In one of the videos Van Steenhoven says, “If you don’t do something to piss people off, you didn’t do it right.” That is actually not true, but to someone this steeped in his own backwash and jism, he feels that everyone who doesn’t find it necessary to tongue his asshole for some ridiculous vanity project has been scorned by his home studio virtuosity. But who knows, maybe you’ll like it.

Oh, and by the way-you can get this thing for $27. That shit isn’t even very expensive.