What it Takes to Be a Chump

I first learned of The Chumps at the dog park across from the basketball court where the opening sequence to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was shot — an appropriate setting, it turns out, considering how closely the band’s driving noise rock mirrors the churn, play, and occasional snarl of a large pack of pooches sorting out their alphas. A little Jesus Lizard, a little Unsane, a pinch of Fugazi, The Chumps swagger rock is cross-pollinated by a menacing gamete. It’s got a pretty bite, I’m saying. Anyhow, the record is out now on FORGE, and the press kit tells me the lyrics are rife with “brainwashing Scientologists, unholy raptures, brutal pimps, cheap prostitutes, blood eating rats, and bastard cops.” At this point the band had already graciously agreed to let Decibel premiere a track, but I thought to myself, Hey, why don’t we give the kids something to do other than passively masturbate while the sounds ejaculate from their ‘puters? Let’s provide them some reading material! You know, as a public service! (Obligatory Bill Hicks link.) Paul Chump was down for it and now while checking out “Shivist” readers can ponder the singer’s explication of his record company’s distillation of the overarching themes on The Chumps debut album. Enjoy!
The Chumps: “Shivist” by Decibel Magazine


My experience inside the Church of Scientology was that of a spy. I mastered Drills such as 0-A, 0-B, and 1-C, in order to gain a better understanding of the cult. In one of these drills I sat, showing no emotion, facing another person who was saying only random numbers in such a way that it sounded as if they were telling a story. These activities went on for hours, every day for weeks on end. My course administrator was a wonderful black jazz musician in his early 50’s who had allowed himself to be completely brainwashed by Hubbard’s bullshit garbage and that really pissed me off. His name was Julius. I tried to save him but I could not. That experience left me with a web of toxic spiritual mumbo jumbo and one of my crown achievements on the record.

Blood Eating Rats

The rat, unlike the hog cannot devour an entire human corpse. Though the rat’s strong rodent teeth chew through flesh and organs with ease and it’s appitite for human blood is quite impressive, it simply lacks the physiological means to digest bone. However, since the upkeep of such a large animal as a hog is so difficult in a small New York City apartment, and rats are abundant and thrive in the metropolitan environment, it is recommended that rats be widely used in the case of discretely removing as much of the deceased from the murderers sanctum as possible. The bones may then be bagged up with household garbage and placed on a curb no less than five diagonal blocks away.

Unholy Raptures

How I long for these coming days. Many of my fantasies involve the absence of light. In one, as I close my eyes, the Sun dies and gravity no longer exists. The marvelous horror of the dead floating out and across into complete and infinite oblivion is a vision that warms my heart. Knowing that in the end, existence itself may be completely meaningless.

Bastard Cops

Police exist to serve and protect and often they do. But make no mistake. One night a police officer may be texting while driving, crash into your grandfather’s car, killing him, and cover it up by saying your loved one ran a stop sign. One night after you have had a few too many drinks they may offer to escort you home only to rape you when you get there. Or on a lighter note, after breaking up with one, he may show up on your doorstep one night, pull out his gun and shoot himself in his fat pig face.

After the jump, check out some stellar line-dancing to another Chumps tune.