Robot Unicorn Attack Heavy Metal

Adult Swim’s Robot Unicorn Attack Heavy Metal is all your childhood (or adulthood, as the case may be) fantasies wrapped into a game for your iPhone. Note: I don’t have an iPhone, but I will play Robot Unicorn Attack Heavy Metal on your iPhone if you have one. The game is simple: You’re a robot unicorn galloping along and you have to avoid plummeting to your death to the tune of “Battlefield” by Blind Guardian. When you see a glowing pentagram, you pierce that sucker with your horn and earn bonus points. The longer you stay alive, the more points you get, kind of like being at the DMV or the post office.

Robot Unicorn Attack Heavy Metal is a badder-ass version of the original Robot Unicorn Attack. The latter is pink and purple and full of rainbows, and the soundtrack is Erasure’s “Always.” It’s a toss-up as to which band is fruiter, Blind Guardian or Erasure. That got me to thinking of other songs that would be appropriate for Robot Unicorn Attack to adopt.

Robot Unicorn Attack Bobby Brown Ghostbusters 2: You’re a unicorn running through the streets of New York City in the ’80s, while dodging killer slime balls. Gotta gotta take it home.

Robot Unicorn Attack Scottish Twee Acoustic: In this version, the unicorn doesn’t run so much as skip and frown. You don’t have to jump over anything because life’s too hard as it is.

Robot Unicorn Attack Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves: You pull the covered wagon of a hard-luck traveling circus family through a medieval town while the locals throw rotting fruit at you. Dodge enough fruit and you can cast a magic spell on the locals that makes them wear Bob Mackie costumes forever and ever.

Robot Unicorn Attack Bedroom Freak Rock: Instead of running along a road or sky or whatever, you trash a bedroom while wearing tiny running shorts and your mane is tied up in a little pony tail. Because you look so awesome, you just gallop around the bedroom and be awesome.